Bin Laden’s Body ‘Tastes Awful’, Reports Barracuda

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ARABIAN SEA – A yellowtail barracuda deep in the Arabian Sea reported today that Osama bin Laden’s body tastes “absolutely awful” and he was having second thoughts about continuing to feed on the terrorist leader.

Bin Laden, the former head of terrorist group al Qaeda, was killed on May 2, 2011 by a team of Navy SEALs. His body was recovered and taken aboard the USS Carl Vinson, and soon after was “buried at sea”, according to official reports.

The barracuda, who goes by the name Barry, said that when he initially discovered the body, he was “overjoyed at getting a new treat instead of the usual palate of fish” that he’s used to.



“I was swimming around just minding my own business when I saw this weird shaped fish wrapped up in white cloth,” said Barry. “Once it settled on the bottom, I realized it was a human body and tried to break through.”

The 60 cm fish said he initially had trouble uncovering the terrorist’s remains.

“They really wrapped that thing well. They weren’t kidding about the proper Islamic burial ritual,” reported Barry after using his tail to whip bin Laden in the head repeatedly. “After basically ramming my nose through to his eye sockets, then it was like I struck gold.”

Barry said he was initially intrigued with different thoughts of what the taste would be like.

“Other fish have said that human remains sort of taste like chicken, so I really had my hopes up.”

Instead, the barracuda has publicly stated that Bin Laden’s body had this “weird taste of pork.”

“It was actually quite disturbing,” said Barry, who is a recent convert to the Muslim faith. “I wanted so badly to stop eating it because it might violate one of the tenets of my religion, but fuck, a fish has gotta eat, ya know?”

Despite reservations, Barry has said that he will probably continue to feed on Bin Laden until some Somali pirates are “hopefully dropped into [his] underwater neighborhood.”

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Paul

Paul is a former Marine grunt with eight years of experience —specializing in snapping necks and cashing checks. He enjoys blowing things up, making people laugh, and hardcore gangster rap music.