National Association of Second Lieutenants Responds To Criticism armydave September 25, 2012 Army, Featured 95 Comments Follow Duffel Blog: WASHINGTON, D.C. – The National Association of Second Lieutenants released a statement and held a press conference today in response to almost universal criticism their members have been receiving from soldiers, Marines, and airmen. The statement comes on the heels of a controversial change to the military’s promotion scheme. The group spokesman, Second Lieutenant Jack Brietovich, was late for the press conference due to an apparent problem with his 2006 Hyundai’s GPS system. After he arrived, he then realized that he left the typed statement in his other pants — forcing him to send his driver, PFC Michael Wilson to find it. The press conference began two and a half hours late, and caused those attending to get stuck in traffic leaving post, miss dinner with their children, and file their reports after deadlines. Once behind the podium, Brietovitch unfolded a sheet of paper and read casually. “Boo-fucking-hoo,” the statement began, in a mock whiny voice, “I hate the LT soooo much. He makes me go look for things in the conex, and all he ever does is sit around in his little office playing minesweeper on his toughbook. It’s so unfair!” Lieutenant Brietovitch then dropped his mocking tone and cleared his throat. “You know what’s not fair? You little shits did two months of basic training. What’s that? Your drill sergeant was mean to you? I went to West Point. Yeah, that’s right. I had three years of upperclassmen yelling at me, treating me like shit, and beating me with broomsticks. That shit went on for four fucking years, and I got a degree in chemical engineering at the same time. How you like that? I tell you what, you don’t know shit until you’re a fucking first year plebe at the military academy.” “What’s that, you went to college too? Oh, I know you did; its ok. I’m sure that semester and a half at Bumfuck County Community College really taught you a lot about the world. I bet you even know what a thesis statement is. I’m sure that knowledge is really helping with your online classes at University of Maryland University College University School.” Pausing, Brietovitch glared at those in attendance. Picking a lower enlisted soldier from the room at random, he violently gestured at him with a knife hand. “Hey Private. . . You! Soldier, come here, hero!” said Brietovitch. “How about you straighten the fuck up and get to buffing these floors?” Brietovitch then placed the rubber heel of his boot against the floor and drug it across the polished surface, leaving a foot-long scuff mark – all the while staring directly at the private. There was silence in the briefing room. He turned to readdress the crowd. “You all just loooove to shit on the butter bar, right? You don’t get your ass eaten by the battalion commander when some private loses a canteen; I do. A goddamn canteen. You think I want that kind of shit to cost so much? You think that I want to be responsible for every screw, nail, and rubber-band that makes an MTOE? No, I don’t. But, I’m an achiever. Like Patton, like MacArthur, Like Colin-mother-fucking-Powell. You know what all those people had in common? They’re all hard-ass, eat up a private and spit em’ out, democracy savin’, nazi killin’ sons a bitches. Oh yeah, all of em – 2 LT’s.” After this part of the statement, Lieutenant Brietovitch unzipped his pants and placed his testicles on the table next to the podium. With outstretched arms, he addressed the press. “What? What?” he asked aggressively. “You going to say something, or just salute me? I suggest the latter.” There were no follow up questions. Don't miss the next story.Get the latest news and alerts from Duffel Blog delivered to your inbox—free. Short URL: http://duffelblog.com/fUBvq Patrick Pielsticker says: December 11, 2014 at 7:43 AM Ssoooo silly… Officers don’t have testicles. Everyone knows that Jase Valentine says: May 4, 2014 at 5:39 PM Nobody cares. Mark Cerf says: May 1, 2014 at 4:24 PM That’s what is up! 2LT power! Who won BRC this year? The duece LT’s in the house! Dave Hutch says: April 16, 2014 at 1:24 PM The National Association of 2nd Leuitenants…Need I say more? I would call it Butter Bars Inc. Scott Boyle says: April 16, 2014 at 2:39 AM My gosh. This was hysterical. How did the Navy Ensign get left out of this? Did you know, when they open their mouths, fart sounds come out? Robert Duncan says: April 16, 2014 at 2:39 AM HA! One of my favorite jokes. What’s the difference between a PFC, and a 2LT? The PFCC has been promoted once. Go get ‘em Gunnys, who knows what damage they can do unescorted. Anonymous says: April 16, 2014 at 2:39 AM I’m a USAF man, and Air Force wonder bars were never issued any testicles, so how is it the Army handed a pair to this Brietovitch fellow? It doesn’t seem fair – just goes to show the Air Force always has it the roughest. Also, someone please explain what all of this Duffleblog military terminology means, like “training”, “knife”, “buffing floors”, and “salute”. Not right now though – It’s 5:30 PM (1830 to you military folks) and I’m off until Monday. Eric Taimanglo says: February 25, 2014 at 11:40 PM I peed on a 2nd LT while in the turret. Olaf Shibusawa says: February 25, 2014 at 11:40 PM I remember getting humbled by an E-5. I had just been promoted to 1LT and I was hanging out with one of my NCOs while we waited on the rest of the platoon to get ready for a night on the town. I said “it sure feels nice to getting rid of that butter bar”. Without skipping a beat he said “yeah I reckon it feels likes making E-4″. Judith Taggart says: January 8, 2014 at 3:09 AM Wow! There are people reading this who cannot figure out it is satire? I find that as funny as the story. Dudley Toelke says: January 3, 2014 at 1:54 AM YEA! It’s about time 2LT’s got to put all the little enlisted pukes in their place! Mosquito wing punks. Hiz Dirtiness says: January 3, 2014 at 1:54 AM Safe to say this 2LT had ZERO NCOs assigned to him, as they did not skull rape him in the middle of his tyraid. ‘Nuff said. Josh Noble says: January 3, 2014 at 1:54 AM This hits way too close to reality. An officer thinking he is the top shit because he went to college and got yelled at while he was there. You have a butter bar, but you are still a pansy ass college brat. I had a real job for years before I decided to serve my country. What did you do? Get great grades in some preppy high school? Michael Peterson says: January 3, 2014 at 1:54 AM That butter bar would last a half a second in a room full of NCO’s. The first part of “Officer” is “Offce”. Now get your ass back in there and stay the fuck out of my way,… Sir. Ervikar Von Glocken says: January 3, 2014 at 1:54 AM The Marine Corps is the most efficient of the military services, this is not because we have less 2nd Lts but less officers of all grades. Less brass = less ass. Dudley Toelke says: January 3, 2014 at 1:54 AM …and a West Pointer to boot. Isn’t that special! Ed Kenny says: January 3, 2014 at 1:54 AM That had to be one of the funniest articles that I have read here in a long, long time. Mary T Hodson says: January 3, 2014 at 1:54 AM And his point was? we’re supposed to feel sorry for him FO he sounds like a winging idiot who uses his rank to bully people. Troy R. Stull says: January 3, 2014 at 1:54 AM You have two kinds of junior officers, butterbars and 2LTs. On is borderline retarded and dumps on his NCOs, and thinks that after BOLC it’s time to cruse all that hard work is done. The other admits he knows nothing and works with his NCOs, not against them. Clay Fisher says: January 3, 2014 at 1:54 AM Well that was awkward. Nick Smith says: January 3, 2014 at 1:54 AM Hahahaha Anonymous says: January 3, 2014 at 1:54 AM funny and true. Rob Slater says: January 3, 2014 at 1:54 AM Some 2LTs are prior enlisted, mastered land nav and were rucking like a boss in scouts 12 years before they got a butterbar, while their PSGs were still privates. What? What? And they get their soldiers home on time or early no matter what as long as the job’s done for the day. It helps having awesome NCOs and Soldiers who got your back as long as you got theirs. Jere Hodges Jr. says: January 3, 2014 at 1:54 AM A bad 2LT should only be that way for the first week. After that, he’s the result of a bad NCO. Curtis Dufour says: January 3, 2014 at 1:54 AM That escalated quickly. Jacob M Chavez says: January 3, 2014 at 1:54 AM nice fucking ROTC patch. Joshua McCreery says: January 3, 2014 at 1:54 AM Finally an LT I can believe in Brendan Smith says: January 3, 2014 at 1:54 AM I want to show this to the new platoon commander, fresh out of RMC, but know that if I do, I will be stuck tending the digger’s bar forever. Jim Franklin says: January 3, 2014 at 1:54 AM This reminds me of a 2LT who triggered a “health & welfare” inspection for a “stolen” CVC helmet. The helmet was found when a plt sgt from another platoon suggested they also check the LT’s POV. Heh heh. Brett Weeks says: January 3, 2014 at 1:54 AM Once we had a new LT who was scheduled to be the OIC of a land nav course running around for the better part of two hours looking for a “bezel ring ratchet wrench” to check all of the lensatic compasses with. I got blasted with a fire house at the wash rack when I was asked by my driver to inspect the under carriage of my track- that’s when I found out officers weren’t supposed to hang around the wash rack… Erich Maria de Villiers says: January 3, 2014 at 1:54 AM I would follow him anywhere (but only out of curiosity). Brian Duben says: January 3, 2014 at 1:54 AM Nothing more scary than a 2lt with a map a compass an an idea and while he was getting yelled at by upperclassmen I was putting Taliban in the dirt so you preppy college polo shirt wearing faggots remember we got a degree in hatred an ieds Steve Von Schultz says: January 3, 2014 at 1:54 AM If any of you all actually had fucked up LTs it was on you and your NCOs. I shut my mouth for the first three months and considered it my job to ensure NCOs had everything they needed to train. 50% of my fellow LTs were similarly humble. If you ever meet a squared away Officer you know they had a great NCOs. It’s not our fault our training does nothing to prepare us. Sorry, but it becomes your job to help (when possible) for our worthless professional courses. Kev Fenton says: January 3, 2014 at 1:54 AM I prefer my old 2LT who preferred to lead through his handy sock puppet, ended formations with a, “dismissed, hail satan!” we miss him dearly since he got promoted and assigned at the Pentagon. *true f*cking story*. Natalie Simpson says: January 3, 2014 at 1:54 AM Did this really happen or is it just a joke.???? He is the ARMY and graduated from West Point?? OMG This is a joke correct Natalie Simpson says: January 3, 2014 at 1:54 AM Thanks Gavin Now I know Nick Jaqua says: January 3, 2014 at 1:54 AM O yeah, Plebe Year is totally harder the basic. /sarcasm John McClendon says: January 3, 2014 at 1:54 AM Yeah, total BS story. How do I know? LIke a Platoon Sergeant would let some butter bar get this uppity in public. MattieA65 says: October 24, 2012 at 3:54 PM Man, just wait until R.C. Collins from Southern California gets his commission and kicks ass! http://www.trn1.com/060111PHILCADET Red Cleanser says: October 19, 2012 at 3:49 PM As a PBNCO I would give every chance for a 2LT to freak out over every piece of equipment and of course never tell him that it was sitting in the supply room waiting for him to pick it up and sign for it…..I miss screwing with their heads. Sergeant Hardon says: October 8, 2012 at 6:43 AM SEE! THIS IS A PERFECT EXCAMPEL OF WHY THERE SHOULDNT BE ANY OFFICRES. IF THE CENTCOM COMMANDER WAS AN NCO ALL THE VEHICLES IN THE MIDDLE EAST WOULD BE LINED UP PERFECTLY AND ALL OF THOSE HAJIS MUSTACHSE WOULD BE WITHIN REGS. AND NO ONE WOULD GET LOST BECAUSE I DONT KNWO WHAT THE FUCK A GPS EVEN IS. CPT 2003 says: October 12, 2012 at 7:48 AM Well, I never got lost because I gave my map to my NCO and said something very much like – the bojective (whatever it was) is at this location (grid) take me there . . . We would always magically appear on site and usually early . . . Just kidding – I use my own compass and read my own map – can’t lead from the middle! Kyzl Orda says: October 4, 2012 at 10:49 PM I fear for the future of my country Former Best LT Ever says: October 4, 2012 at 2:30 PM There I was, no shit…with my platoon of hooahs, in the middle of the night, at what should have been the right place but didn’t have the terrain I had expected based on the map. Normally we went off the ol’ map and compass, but to double check my shit, I busted the PLGR (this was 2001) out of my RTO’s ruck pocket and had a look-see. Goddamnit, I had taken us 800 meters EAST instead of WEST from our helicopter LZ. “This,” I thought to myself, “is why everyone has joked about 2LTs since the roman fucking legions marched across Europe.” Of all the 2LTs I ever knew, not one was the infamous “listen to me, sergeant – because I know it all” variety I hear enlisted guys talk about. Even so…most of us were still boneheads more often than we wanted to admit. Lt Fuzz says: October 1, 2012 at 2:16 PM My old man, a retired E-8, always said the most dangerous thing in the Army was a Second Lieutenant with a clipboard. CPT 2003 says: October 2, 2012 at 12:48 PM ” . . . where the *(&^ am I said the LT, file from the left column left said the SGT, beer, beer, beer said the PVT, what merry men are we . . .” DOC says: October 3, 2012 at 11:00 AM I always said the two scariest things in the Army are: a Lt with a map and compass or an NCO with a clipboard because either way some shit is about to happen. CPT 2003 says: October 12, 2012 at 7:44 AM yep and the funniest thing in the Army is to watch what happens shortly after a CWO says “watch this $&%^” DOC says: October 23, 2012 at 3:38 PM Ah CPT 2003, I always love your commentary! “Winning” gary says: September 29, 2012 at 7:36 PM Uh, yeah, to all of those who are taking this SERIOUSLY you do understand the meaning of satire? This website is meant to be a onion news/miltary version. Besides 2nd lts are not really all like that, just the ones with a map and a compass. Yeah, so that dates me, there’s no army like the old army. DocGay/James Gay says: September 29, 2012 at 6:55 PM DocGay-10-4 on that DOC.When I was in I made Sgt.E5 in 15 months the 8th SFG had lots of stripes to give out.2nd Lts. drove themselves around.They still got no respect.90 day wonders we called them besides BUTTER BARS.Catch you on the high side,later.De Oppresso liber Toolbagius Maximus says: September 27, 2012 at 5:17 AM If this butterbar went to West Point, why is he rocking an ROTC unit patch? I’d make him and the photoshop artist push! leftoftheboom says: September 30, 2012 at 11:30 PM Dude, did you not see the photo shop HEAD? It was like powerpoint cut and paste and you are looking at the patch. Good Eye Buford. Mac says: September 26, 2012 at 12:31 PM Rumor has it that the LT had a longer speech in mind, but halfway through writing it he broke his crayon. Crazy Cracker says: September 27, 2012 at 9:04 AM I never used a crayon…..wasn’t as reliable as finger paints. Rooster says: September 26, 2012 at 11:20 AM Since it’s man-love every day now in the military, i feel it’s important that the LT should receive a warm wet kiss and a cuddle of his scrote. DOC says: September 26, 2012 at 9:33 AM I love these officers on here that are getting a hard-on. You do realize this whole article is making fun of your corps? But hey what do I know about college, I mean NCO’s never get graduate degrees. Oh wait… CPT 2003 says: September 26, 2012 at 3:20 PM hey . . . I resemble that remark . . . and for the record, I’m a mustang . . . Axel says: September 26, 2012 at 1:04 AM Always a pleasure reading these SFC Ruddy says: September 25, 2012 at 11:50 PM Well, I was at this conference, and this 2LT was far more abusive than the brilliantly written article articulates. He mad some reaaly bad coments about senior NCOs not being able to read or take a joke. I was pised. LiLi says: September 28, 2012 at 2:12 PM Ruddy Rocks! M. Thompson says: September 25, 2012 at 11:16 PM As an E-5 I could have said, “Sir, do you actually know anything about the equipment I’ve been working on for the past five years? I realize that I have not completed a degree program, but I do know what the hell I’m talking about. If you have a problem, take it up with my chief!” Nick says: September 25, 2012 at 9:41 PM Hey, Bumfack CC has done a lot in recent years to clean up their reputation and educational standards ! @LT says: September 25, 2012 at 6:03 PM I love the duffelblog, but I feel sadness for these funny men; that despite their glorious acerbic wit, they will never be as clownish and hilarious as the frequent comments made to their posts by old SNCOs who think they are literal. LiLi says: September 28, 2012 at 10:23 AM That’s half the fun, LT! SGT N says: September 25, 2012 at 5:26 PM ……………………………………………………………………………………………… SGT N says: September 25, 2012 at 4:15 PM gaaaaaaaaaaaay DocGay/James Gay says: September 25, 2012 at 2:57 PM DocGay-2nd Lts.(Butter Bars) they get no respect because they are the PFC’S of officers.What can one say more about a Butter Bar??Why the HELL does he have a driver he is only a 2nd Lt.?2nd Lts. was the same way in my days in the 60’s,some things never change.De Oppresso Liber CPT 2003 says: September 25, 2012 at 3:09 PM hey Sir – R E S P E C T the butterbar keep rubbing it and it will turn silver, continue to rub and it gets fruitful and multiplies . . . v/r DOC says: September 26, 2012 at 9:27 AM As you were DocGay, a PFC has been promoted twice. Darrell B says: September 25, 2012 at 2:14 PM Shortly after the crowd dispersed, a Marine Gunnery Sergeant was seen balling the 2nd Lt up, forcing him to suck himself off. 100% recovery from spine trauma is not expected. UMUCUCUMUCUCU Class of Fiscal Week 22, Bitches!! Masters in Mastering Lunchtime Class Mastering with a Graduate Certificate in Time Management. Recognize. Trent says: September 25, 2012 at 3:03 PM “UMUCUCUMUCUCU Class of Fiscal Week 22″ Fucking brilliant. Darrell B says: September 27, 2012 at 12:44 PM UPDATE: Completed my Masters degree requirements on Tuesday evening, scored some extra credit on Wednesday, and they’re mailing me my doctorate in Study Studies from UMUCUCUMUCUCU’s Middle Eastern Division’s Bagram Air Field satellite learning center. Odd, because I’m in Utah but it’s still pretty cool… they’re going to laminate both degrees together and present them to me on a lanyard, along with a Baltimore Ravens linebacker Ray Lewis, 2004 alumnus, bobble-head. I’m stoked. RJM says: September 25, 2012 at 1:08 PM Overall, you just gotta love this stuff. Pretty commical. CPT 2003 says: September 25, 2012 at 11:30 AM I was with him right up until he ‘whipped it out’ – that is a violation of man-law and completely unacceptable in a social setting . . . On soldiers with degrees – it is a fact that as student loans rise and the large floats of student indebtedness continue, the force will have an increasing population of non-rates/junior enlisted with education that rivals thier officers and in many cases exceeds thier NCOs – I have had some attitude problems among this population with kids that think thier ‘superior’ education (in some cases Master’s degrees) outranked thier NCOs stripes. Fortunately for the few who don’t have that worked out by thier NCO or PLT LDR, they are relatively simple – “we can do this easy or real easy – you are a smart person – how do you want it – as nobody asked you to join, I recommend you ratchet back, square yourself away, and keep your freaking undisciplined mouth shut while you take your loan repayment option and then get out of my Army – now disappear out of my office – you are dismissed.” There endeth the lesson . . . RJM says: September 25, 2012 at 11:22 AM Second Lieutenant Brietovich Just a cocky little low life who is abusing his position. Maybe he forgot he IS a Second Lieutenant. A butter bar. He is lower then whale crap and as most of us former Senior NCO’s used to feel, more useless than an E1 or E2. At least they worked for a living. Don’t get me wrong, there are a lot of young zero’s who showed that they were worthy of serving their country. But, this whiney, West Point puke needs to learn a few things. First of all, its those ones whining about you that do the good job, seen by his superiors that help get him promoted. They are also the ones who teach butter bar extrordinare the ropes and the right way to do things that’ll keep him from getting his head blown off in a combat situation. Alot of young officers lost their lives in Vietnam Nam due to their igorance and arrogance. Maybe junior (Second Lieutenant Brietovich) needs to come down to reality and realize he hasn’t earned his keep yet and his attitude and disrespect to his enlisted troopps could be detrimental to his survival. He’s just a punk that needs to be slapped down a few notches And, you can bet it’s going to happen when he least expect it. Good luck on your career butter bar. And don’t bite the hand that will feed and protect you throughout your military days. trollolololll says: September 25, 2012 at 12:01 PM I know right? And if that pissed you off you ought to check the article about giving wives rank, or the guy getting the silver star for doing his job.. its almost unbelievable. Becks says: September 25, 2012 at 1:15 PM Yeah reading isnt your forte is it? You’re on a joke website dipshit. You got the same education as the kid from Bumfuck Community College didnt you? Carry on there soup-sandwich. Eric says: September 25, 2012 at 1:28 PM You realize it’s a fucking joke right? LiLi says: September 28, 2012 at 10:21 AM Eric-You realize that half the fun is seeing that comments after an article. Is is incredible to me that some people think this is all real. They probably get a riled up and The Onion, too! LiLi says: September 28, 2012 at 10:24 AM AT The Onion, before someone points out my mistake. Mike says: October 18, 2012 at 11:54 PM You, “RJM” are fucking retarded! PK says: October 19, 2012 at 8:56 PM I am a few months late with this… RJM, you just made me kick me kick my dog. I think a lot of folks in Vietnam lost their lives because they were draftees who spent most of their days stoned. Maybe the senior NCO’s should have watched out for them and properly trained their young soldiers and young officers instead of letting the blind lead the blind. AND, the mighty fine soldier medic should have said sir. OscarThreeKilo says: September 25, 2012 at 11:12 AM His OER will reflect. TWS says: September 25, 2012 at 10:18 AM Hard charging is right. That young man is going places. I see a spot on the JCS. That’s just a straight-shooter with four stars written all over it. DOC says: September 25, 2012 at 9:43 AM Lol what a fag! Lt. Butero-Trinkejo says: September 26, 2012 at 8:56 PM Unfortunately for you Doc he is not. DOC says: October 1, 2012 at 11:48 AM I am surprised you can type with a dick in your mouth. Lt. Butero-Trinkejo says: October 15, 2012 at 2:54 PM That would be, “I am surprised you can type with a dick in your mouth, SIR!” Also being a medic, I think you would know that having a dick in the mouth would not impede my typing as much as having one in my hand…duh. DOC says: October 23, 2012 at 3:40 PM Touche. Good sport SIR! Major Major Major says: September 25, 2012 at 9:12 AM Stellar performance by a hard-charging up-and-comer. Lt. Butero-Trinkejo says: September 25, 2012 at 3:14 PM You goddamned right! That young man is going places, and I just hope that I am there to hang on his coattails!