NORFOLK, VA — A surprising US Navy study recently found the greatest way to increase shipboard morale was to blast earsplitting whistles over the intercom at random intervals.
“We were surprised at the results,” said Force Master Chief Rachel Michaels. “We thought better food or larger berthings would make sailors happier. Turns out the thing they like the most are whistles so loud they can cause pain.”
“Our study found the only thing sailors like more than a boatswain’s mate’s whistle over the 1MC is sounds of pure feedback from the speakers at maximum volume,” Michaels added, screaming over jet engine blasts on a carrier deck. “So we’re going to try doing that too. We also expect all sailors to take our hearing conservation program seriously.”
“Oh yeah, the whistles are great,” said Aviation Ordnanceman Second Class Howard Davis. “At 0600 we get woken up by a whistle that’s loud as hell, and it’s followed by another one that’s a minute and a half long. It’s the best way to start the morning. Throughout the day they blast the whistles for no reason. I’ve heard the different sounds mean different things, and I’m trying my hardest to learn them. If I can’t distinguish between a set of whistles and trills I might miss an important announcement.”
“I’ve never heard any whistling on board,” Boatswain’s Mate First Class Jeff Kelly said when asked for comment. “It’s called piping.” BM1’s face turned beet red and he began shouting orders to calm himself down. “Muster on the forecastle after chow! Stand at attention Seaman! It’s not a fucking rope, it’s a line!”
Unfortunately, Chief Michaels had to cut her interview with Duffel Blog short, saying she had an important Task Force on improving upon the well-received blue camouflage uniform. “It’s going to take us at least four years of research and a few hundred million dollars,” Michaels said, “but we are working hard to fulfill our sailors’ request to replace all pants zippers with thirteen button flaps.”