DoD Ends All Future LGBT Events, Declares Military ‘Gay Enough Already’ Jay October 11, 2012 The Pentagon 21 Comments Follow Duffel Blog: THE PENTAGON — The Department of Defense announced today that it will not host or sponsor any further events to recognize Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transsexual Pride. DoD Spokesman Major Phil McTavish made the announcement for the Pentagon in an unscheduled press briefing held in a broom closet on sub-basement C, saying that public outcry over the repeal of “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” was not a cause for the policy change. The Pentagon held its first, and now only, gay pride event on June 26 of this year, nine months after the repeal of DADT. Secretary of Defense Leon Panetta announced the event in a video message to the troops which also thanked gay and lesbian troops that were already serving. Public reaction to the event was mostly a chorus of shrugged shoulders and the occasional screaming that the military was “ruined forever”. When pressed for the cause for about face in policy, McTavish stated the military was “pretty much gay enough already.” “We obviously don’t have anything against gay and lesbian troops in the military. The DOD just doesn’t feel the need to make a big deal about it anymore. We feel we’ve achieved a level of gayness that suits us.” McTavish continued, “Look around you, man. All these missiles, bullets, rockets; they’re basically dicks, right? I mean sure, they need to be shaped that way to fly, but think of the subtext.” Military historian and ancient warfare expert Dr. Drew Chalmers agrees. “It’s no secret the ancient Greeks had a, shall we say, more intimate expression of their comradely love for one another,” said Chalmers. “Seeing all these companies and platoons nick-name themselves ‘Spartans’ and ‘Trojans’ is fucking hilarious. I mean really, don’t these numbskulls know they were buttfucking each other at the drop of a hat?” Dr. Chalmers also cited the symbolism of military ranks. “Anyone who’s read or seen ‘The DaVinci Code’ knows that chevrons are a masculine symbol. Essentially, most enlisted ranks are a pile of dicks, some with more decorations than others. Plus Army and Marine chevrons point up implying an active sexual role. Meanwhile, Navy ranks point down. Fill in the blanks.” Noting that Air Force enlisted ranks are of a more convex shape, Dr. Chalmers quickly responded: “Pile of vaginas. Do I have to spell it out?” MAJ McTavish also listed a number of ways the military exhibits its inherent gayness. “Take hygiene for example. Showering with other naked members of the same sex in a hot, steamy room. Granted, the example in the movie ‘Stripes’ was pretty fucking hot, ‘cause it was all chicks. But most of the time, it’s a sausage fest.” Another key example is combatives, the modern term for hand-to-hand combat. “Yes, our troops need to be able to defend themselves when unarmed, but really. It’s just two sweaty dudes rolling around on the floor and grunting. Pretty fucking gay,” said McTavish. The discovery of the military’s gayness is not unique to the Pentagon. KBR site manager Goran Antunovic, currently working at Camp Leatherneck in Afghanistan’s Helmand Province, summed up his experience. “It is simple, really. My crews go to clean the portable toilets and every one is littered with drawings of penises. Big penises, little penises, penises with wings. It’s amazing. And this was before Ghulam was selling bootleg copies of ‘Superbad’ at the bazaar.” Antunovic, a veteran of the fighting in his native Bosnia gave a perspective of international military gayness. “In Bosnia, some of the stuff we did was kinda gay, but you Americans take the cake. The worst we did was make the new guys kiss each other. But we kinda do that anyway, on the cheeks, you know. But your ‘gay chicken’ is out there,” Antunovic said, describing the game played by infantrymen of two men advancing on one another in sexually suggestive ways until one of the men backs off. “Once I saw these two Soldiers at Camp Stone in Herat go at it. They just kept getting closer and closer. I think one of them was actually enjoying it. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.” Numerous other examples were cited. The ultimate reason according to MAJ McTavish was the Navy. “Not just parts of the Navy, the whole damn thing. Think about it, all these long, hard things filled with ‘Seamen.’ You think that’s an accident?” Richard Deldonna says: December 15, 2013 at 6:21 PM lol…WTF! Michelle Dawn Lotz-Lynch says: December 15, 2013 at 6:21 PM I always knew dudes in the infantry don’t want chicks cause of the competition for dicks. Alex Lustre says: December 15, 2013 at 6:21 PM funny shit Steve Mills says: December 15, 2013 at 6:21 PM LOL “Pile of vaginas. Do I have to spell it out?” Taylor Crowe says: December 15, 2013 at 6:21 PM Anyone who’s deployed to Al Dhafra has probably seen the fleet of AWACS penises providing C2 Battle Managment in the latrines around the base. Mark Burns says: December 15, 2013 at 6:21 PM I would say I’m the gay chicken champ of Al Kut, but I’m pretty sure the locals took the cake. Joseph Beard says: December 15, 2013 at 6:21 PM I was in one unit called the Gladiators, and another called the Spartans, and I can truly say they were pretty gay. Thomas Sramek says: December 15, 2013 at 6:21 PM Nice Bobby Dick says: December 15, 2013 at 6:21 PM Pile of vagina`s BAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Rebka White says: December 15, 2013 at 6:21 PM unscheduled press conference in a broom closet on subbasement C? hehehe… JoeMurray1 says: November 8, 2012 at 11:26 AM Omg, that’s fucking amazing. Just the pick-me-up, laugh my ass off-athon I needed today. defensor fortissimo says: October 12, 2012 at 6:07 AM It’s interesting he chooses to bring up “da vinci code style” symbolism because as long as we’re talking about chalices and pyramids, we might as well talk about one of the more blatant examples, the air force symbol. At first glance one might assume it is a chalice leading back to the whole pile of vaginas theory mentioned above. However, closer indication reveals the whole structure is made up of pyramids AND chalices indicating male and female. The optimistic interpretation of this, ( echoed by many of my fellow wingman), would be that this seems to indicate non stop sex throughout the branch in actual fact making the air force the straightest of all the branches. A slightly more cynical-and perhaps more realistic-view would be that the powers that be chose this symbol to indicate a non stop cluster-fuck all throughout the service. I’ll let you be the judge Confused Canuck says: October 12, 2012 at 12:02 AM “Penises with wings”….???…..wings? Do you mean that some have wings? Huh. Would they be like angels’ wings or like the wings of aircraft? DOC says: October 12, 2012 at 9:36 AM Of course, haven’t you ever used Redbull as lube? leftoftheboom says: October 11, 2012 at 7:51 PM Sword fight! Lt. Butero-Trinkejo says: October 11, 2012 at 11:46 PM That was started a few years later at the Naval Academy by “Bull” Halsey… Don’t ask where he got the nickname. Darrell B says: October 11, 2012 at 12:05 PM FIRST!! The picture is so typical. Instead of looking down to make sure that wieners weren’t getting danger close, the squid is making eye contact with the Marine… so gay. This ain’t a date, fool… now watch my dick. Lt. Butero-Trinkejo says: October 11, 2012 at 6:22 PM Second!!! The traditional greeting at the urinal at West Point is, “nice dick bro!” This was started by William Tecumseh Sherman during his senior year.