MARIETTA, GA – Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney has surged ahead in the polls, following his pledge that, if elected, he would not only refuse to cut the Department of Defense, but would personally pay for the entire US defense budget.
Saying it was time for “every American to do their part”, Romney made the pledge while touring the Lockheed-Martin aircraft plant in Marietta, Georgia.
“As one of America’s leading poverty-deficient individuals, the least I could do in contributing to balance the budget and supporting our troops was dipping into my rainy day fund,” Romney said to an applauding crowd of military veterans. “I can always wait until next year before buying another island.”
The Duffel Blog was informed by Romney campaign staffers that the candidate first got the idea while rifling through his pockets for spare change, and accidentally discovered enough loose cash to fund the Coast Guard.
The Obama campaign swiftly responded in a television ad, saying that Romney only made his comments after first blaming the factory’s lack of aircraft production on the Obama presidency, then backtracking after he learned of his controlling ownership of the factory.
The proposal was greeted enthusiastically by the Pentagon, which is currently in the middle of laying off most of its Iraq and Afghanistan veterans and facing a 9.4% cut in every weapons system later this year if a proposed sequestration, or automatic budget cuts, come into effect.
“We certainly appreciate the offer from Mr. Romney,” said Chief of Naval Operations Admiral Jonathan W. Greenert, “and were wondering if he would mind maybe possibly funding an additional aircraft carrier… you never know when another aircraft carrier might come in handy…”
Romney responded by saying, “Heck, why not two? Or why not that flying aircraft carrier from The Avengers? Golly, why not a fleet of aircraft carriers, stretching for five miles, so I can ride my favorite horse across the Chesapeake Bay without dealing with that annoying bridge traffic.”
Romney has used increasing military spending as a powerful tool throughout the campaign. For example, in 2011, when fellow candidate Ron Paul called for saving money by removing all air conditioners from Iraq and Afghanistan, Romney responded by erecting a series of identical military chow halls throughout both countries that serve steak and lobster weekly. He also hired several thousand Filipinos, many of whom had previously been his personal household help, to staff them.
Romney is currently seeking to counter the negative fallout from his convention nomination speech, in which he not only failed to mention US service members in the ongoing war in Afghanistan, but accidentally referred to “the brave men and women of the Army of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.”
In the wake of Romney’s announcement, President Obama added that he too would pay for the defense budget with both the proceeds from his book sales and by pawning off his Nobel Peace Prize.
However, an anonymous Obama campaign official said the announcement was largely for show.
“Hell, 47 percent of the people in the military, who think they’re entitled to health care, to food, to housing, to robotic pack mules, they’re going to vote for Romney,” said Obama, captured by a hidden camera during a campaign stop. “Another 30 percent are going to vote for their Lieutenants. Either way, we just can’t focus on them.”