2012 Best Sick Call Ranger Competition Winner Announced John "Whiskey Tango Foxtrot" Mittle October 30, 2012 Army 25 Comments Follow Duffel Blog: FORT BENNING, GA – After three days of grueling events, one Soldier has finally been named “Best Sick Call Ranger of 2012″, giving him the title of being the sickest and most injured malingerer in the U.S. Army. This year had a record turnout with a total of forty Soldiers vying to demonstrate their dedication to duty in feigning sickness and injury to the utmost of their abilities. Not only do the winners earn the title of “Best Sick Call Ranger”, they also become the recipients of the coveted gold plated Model 495 cane and are admitted to the Army’s prestigious Warrior Transition Brigade (WTB) Delta – Detachment, home of the Franklin D. Roosevelt Special Welfare Center. Due to the sensitive nature of the unit, it is rumored by many in the Sick Call Community that it is here that malingerers receive extensive medical care consisting of massages with happy endings, open bars, and topless French maids. “Selection for Delta is tough. Those guys are the best of the best in the Sick Call community,” said first-time competitor Private First Class Frank Mears. “You’ve got to have that special ‘something’ that sets you apart from the others. Delta Operators keep up the sham while surrounded by people who have actually been in combat and been wounded.” Mears went on to stress how elite the detachment was, saying that “Delta WTB comes to you, you don’t go to them.” “There are guys at Womack Army Medical Center who have faked cancer, blindness, heart disease – you name it, they can fool the best M.D.’s the military has to offer. I hear they even have relaxed grooming and uniform standards, but no one really knows for sure.” The first day of the “Best Sick Call Ranger” competition had the most disqualifications which occurred during the administration of the Army Physical Fitness Test. Seventeen soldiers quickly unfolded profiles which allowed an immediate pass for the event. Two more barely managed to get by after claiming a rolled ankle, and potentially suffering a heart attack. The remaining competitors were failed after posting substandard APFT scores averaging no less than 275. Day two comprised of the “Prove Your Illness” event, which was to demonstrate skills deemed necessary to get a legit profile. “My secret weapon,” stated Sergeant Ray Cyrus, “well, I hate to give away the good stuff, but this is just between us, right?,” he said as he leaned in close enough to tell that he was winning his lifelong battle with his arch-enemies’ soap and water. “Syrup of Ipecac; that shit is wicked Broseph. One teaspoon of the ‘Yack Attack’ will have you puking your nuts out in front of God and everybody. Battalion Fun Run in full MOPP gear? Ne-gah-tive!”, and with a conspiratorial wink and a Copenhagen-stained grin, SGT Cyrus upended the bottle containing the reddish brown liquid. “This should be a good show, you might want to stick around. I had scrambled eggs, spaghetti and chocolate milk about an hour ago. Showtime motherfucker!” Candidate Private Johannsen, his face gray and hands shaking from the cordite he was chewing, went about using a crucial element. While antagonizing a chigger with a heated needle he confided, “Angry chigger bites– once you get rid of the em’, it looks like some funky rash.” The last day of the competition incorporated the “Hospital Land Navigation” event, which tested the mettle of each Soldiers ability to BS their 1SG into believing they were at a specific appointment within the Military Treatment Facility. The winner of the event was Staff Sergeant Ben Baggins who also went on to become “Best Sick Call Ranger”. He described his strategy, saying, “Yeah, I wasn’t even here for the entire competition. Tends to happen after a night of heavy drinking. Best thing to do is just say you were admitted for having Swine Flu, and have your medic girlfriend sign off on a sick call slip.” Since winning the “Best Sick Call Ranger” competition, Staff Sergeant Baggins went on to Medical Retirement and now sits at home comfortably collecting disability while getting high on prescription pain killers he worked so hard to earn. This article involved the collaborative efforts of John “WTF” Mittle and Duffel Blog Super Fans. Thor Romero says: February 26, 2014 at 12:24 AM Fernando Rey Cardona, Basco Bones, Josh Mueller, LOL. Doc Bailey says: January 25, 2014 at 9:42 PM Oh my oh my oh my. Michelle Dawn Lotz-Lynch says: January 25, 2014 at 9:42 PM Roosevelt special warfare center? Bravo! Michelle Dawn Lotz-Lynch says: January 25, 2014 at 9:42 PM No dude, I read it 3 times…That Roosevelt was involved at all made me laugh…seeing how he was a crippple.. Kris Lather says: January 25, 2014 at 9:42 PM I know of one soldier who got to leave Iraq after 2 months for “Sleep Apnea” then after a 15 month tour, he was still in the Army. Another One went to the TMC everytime we had a Convoy for checkups on a Heart Murmur… Will Black says: January 25, 2014 at 9:42 PM I had to stop reading and put my computer down because I thought I was going to drop it when I read ‘chewing on det-cord’ and ‘angry chigger bites.’ Holy shit, I would have actually paid one of my Privates to do that. Michelle Dawn Lotz-Lynch says: January 25, 2014 at 9:41 PM Ok, I went back….I did write warfare, I meant welfare…well…I fucked that one up. Michael James M. says: January 25, 2014 at 9:41 PM I’m currently at a WTB after getting shot by a sniper in Afghanistan, and this nails it right on the head. There’s far too many people here trying to sham out that medical care for the rest of us sucks. It’s the reason I’m trying to get back to Riley ASAP. There are far too many dudes around trying to pull the PTSD card, some of them without any deployment time. Jonathan Gehweiler says: January 25, 2014 at 9:41 PM The sad thing is this is partly true. After being injured by IED in Iraq I was sent to med hold at Fort Bliss. Almost every other soldier there was playing this game and winning. They take away the resources from the truly injured and when we get stuck in a med-hold unit with them we are looked on as fakers too. I enjoyed the humor, but the irony was almost spot on. Alex Shelton says: January 25, 2014 at 9:41 PM It took me 20 minutes before I could read this I was laughing so damn hard. Craig Schade says: January 25, 2014 at 9:41 PM John D. Kerry was the best of the best…3 purple hearts with no witnesses! Now that’s bravery. Troy R. Stull says: January 25, 2014 at 9:41 PM Yup these are the same guys who somehow manage to hide out in TRADOC or sham their way out of every deployment. I like the Army pay check and benefits, just please don’t ask me to do all that dirty, nasty solider stuff. Eric Diesch says: January 25, 2014 at 9:41 PM As a former green side corpsman, I had a hard time believing this article was satire. lol.. Semper fi, motherfuckers. Take your motrin, and stay hydrated. these things I say says: November 11, 2012 at 6:33 AM FDR was in a wheelchair, but he kept trying to walk. He was kind of the anti-malingerer. Unless… There is never anything wrong with him at all! leftoftheboom says: October 30, 2012 at 7:51 PM I remember when you had to have at least 30% disability to get a medical retirement. Oh wait, thats now. It used to be 50%. CPT America says: October 30, 2012 at 1:24 PM I remember being awarded my Sick Call Ranger Tab back in 2003, except it was hard than. We had 4 phases not 3 Army Wife (P) says: October 31, 2012 at 12:25 AM Perfect comment! This is the first thing out of a Ranger’s mouth. You get two MRE’s a day? School is soft! When I went through we got a rock. We had to sharpen a stick with that rock, then kill our food ourselves. leftoftheboom says: November 1, 2012 at 10:02 PM REALLY! Well when I went through, it snowed in summer time while we were doing winter phase in the fall. The blueberry pancakes were sub par, and we did not have ANY rocks. We had to sharpen our sticks with our teeth and we had to use the bark as toilet paper. So that is who really wears the TAB. The Class before YOURS. Katie says: October 30, 2012 at 11:27 AM As an ER RN, this is too funny not to print out and post at work!!! I just wish I could post it in the waiting room so half those “patients” know we know they are full of shit and not literally! Crazy Cracker says: October 30, 2012 at 11:40 AM Or you might just give them more ideas. Katie says: October 30, 2012 at 10:49 PM Damn, good point Cracker! Although a lot of my patients could give the “sick Rangers” some ideas. The people I’ve been taking care of in the ER for 11 1/2 years have got some serious faking illness skills, sad, but hilarious!! KC says: October 30, 2012 at 10:28 AM Holy shit! Massages with happy endings, open bars, and topless French maids? I need to start going to sick call more often. Katie says: October 30, 2012 at 11:27 AM That past killed me!! Katie says: October 30, 2012 at 11:28 AM SUCK- that part (damn auto correct)!