General Dunford Accepts Wager To Spend Year In Haunted Command Dark Laughter November 29, 2012 Marine Corps 17 Comments Follow Duffel Blog: PASHTYLVANIA, AFGHANISTAN – Marine Corps Gen. Joseph Dunford, Jr. confirmed late yesterday that he has accepted a wager to spend no less than one year in the supposedly haunted command of United States Forces – Afghanistan (USFOR-A). Legend has it that there is a terrible curse on the command, located deep in the foreboding mountains of Afghanistan, and that inexplicably bad things happen to the careers of unwary commanders. “I don’t like this,” says Dunford’s career, folding its arms and staring out of Dunford’s car at the darkening sky as they drive up the winding switchbacks toward the infamous command. “What are we even doing here? Is there even a strategic objective? We should have just gone back to Headquarters Marine Corps to be the next Commandant.” “C’mon, it’ll be fun,” says a smiling Dunford. “Just one year, baby, then we’ll collect the money and go back to the beltway. After that, I promise I’ll take the Commandant job, just like you wanted.” Earlier today, the two were greeted at the airport by a gray, sunken-eyed Gen. John Allen, who was too distraught to even shake Dunford’s outstretched hand. Allen was accompanied by doctors attending to his restrained career, which recently and unexpectedly went insane. Allen is accompanying it home to see if it can be rehabilitated, but few hold out any hope. Allen’s career is not the curse’s first victim. For many years, the curse was only a legend, and commanders never stayed in what was then Combined Forces Command – Afghanistan for a full year as a matter of custom. However, USFOR-A was established on the same site, and the custom was ignored by USFOR-A commander Gen. David McKiernan, who laughed at it as mere superstition. As the one year deadline approached, McKiernan’s career grew more agitated. Always known for how cautious it was, McKiernan’s career believed it could out-think and outlast the curse. Then one morning it was found dead in a rocking chair, still holding the loaded shotgun it had gone to bed with. McKiernan was followed by Gen. Stanley McChrystal, who was discovered outside one morning holding an axe, surrounded by pieces of his beloved career. As talk of a curse became more widespread, Gen. David Petraeus, one of the country’s bravest generals, elected to spend a year in USFOR-A just to break the curse. Petraeus was believed to have beaten the spell, retiring honorably from the military and moving on to helm the CIA. However, in early November, his career was discovered dead in front of the television while watching the news, a final look of abject horror still frozen on its face. Arriving at his headquarters, Dunford remains optimistic, stepping out of his vehicle and walking up to a small group of high ranking staff officers and battalion commanders. “Gents, I’m your new commanding general, looking forward to working with … ,” but Dunford is cut off as the men stare gravely at him and then hustle away, looking down at the ground. One colonel pauses and looks back over his shoulder, then returns to place a silver crucifix around the neck of Dunford’s career. “Because evil travels swiftly,” he says cryptically as he crosses himself, then ducks into an office. Meeting with reporters later in the day, Dunford’s confidence already seems to be wavering. He reported finding a mysterious package in his new desk, containing the journal of Col. Renfield, a former aide to Gen. Petraeus. Dunford said he felt strangely compelled to open it, as if the book wanted to be read. He shared select passages with Duffel Blog: Day 1: Just got off the bird from MacDill. Saw McChrystal’s staff on their way out. They had a gaunt shuffle and a hollow stare. I asked one of them if he could give me a turnover briefing on Afghanistan. He said, “You know nothing. Afghanistan is only a word. The reality is much worse.” Day 11: Have finally met our mysterious host. He appeared at the top of a dusty stairwell in a robe and fur hat, some kind of ethnic outfit. He introduced himself as Hamid Karzai, the president of these lands. Day 53: Received an e-mail in my inbox saying “Get out!” G-6 says it came from my own e-mail account. Day 97: Sometimes I hear a press conference going on, but when I run down the hall to the briefing room, it’s empty. Day 162: Unintelligible writing keeps appearing on the walls of my CONEX, but I can’t read it because it’s in Pashto. Day 236: The general keeps talking about a mysterious book he’s found. I looked at it, and it seems to be gibberish, but the general insists that it all makes sense once you have the right metric. He wants me to start reading it as well. Day 325: Ph’nglui mglw’nafh Cthulhu Bagram wgah’nagl fhtagn. Duffel Blog Investigative Reporter G-Had also contributed to this report. Ed Hines says: June 5, 2014 at 6:29 PM They act like they have seen *gulp* combat! lmao! Misha Argall says: June 5, 2014 at 11:44 AM You guys are so accurate with your stories sometimes its goddamn eerie! Julia Bari says: May 29, 2014 at 8:43 AM Nothing coherent, astute person, with a spiritual level, is achieved by rumors of the place being cursed. Nothing better than faith itself, the power of thought to all go as the end result will be peace, bring the troops home if the bilateral agreement does not want to sign. Have done many good things in a lawless land. Now know what is right and wrong, but do not want the good side favoring the well. Come home the great American army at this stage is being led by the great leader General Joseph Dunford. May God always enlighten everyone. Dudley Toelke says: January 3, 2014 at 2:55 AM The horror, the horror… Peter Kirk says: December 15, 2013 at 6:20 PM when does the sequel come out? Micah Albrecht says: December 15, 2013 at 6:20 PM not only will he win the bet, he will also get a book deal and rim job from Paula Broadwell. Aussieboogie Bear says: December 15, 2013 at 6:20 PM Make sure he wears his eye-pro, too. Keeps evil spirits from entering through the retinas. Jason D Sousley says: December 15, 2013 at 6:20 PM Someone told me that they heard from a guy who used to work with a PFC that used to be his footstool that he has some insurance…pics of Joe Biden with a Goat. That might help him get through this. Tom James says: December 15, 2013 at 6:20 PM the horror and mystery continue: http://www.khaama.com/unknown-disease-outbreak-kills-2-people-in-baghlan-1052 Anonymous says: December 15, 2013 at 6:20 PM Is everyone who gets a us govt check going to be reduced to 820 a month? this is all I make and I am the reason the us treasury works automatically because I shook gods hand 1986 and saved the sanity of the world. Michelle Dawn Lotz-Lynch says: December 15, 2013 at 6:20 PM Cthulhu, is living in the mountains and snakes his tendrils through cracks in the earth in order to drive us all mad….If he ever arouses from his slumber,I for one will try to fight the evil before I am struck down by his followers, perhaps I can get away with my life…fuck my career I already retired. Randy Broadhead says: December 15, 2013 at 6:20 PM May be he should wear his PT belt for a year. That should protect him. ZH Steele says: December 15, 2013 at 6:20 PM This is by far one of the best TDB ever. My hats off to you Dustin Kosar says: December 15, 2013 at 6:20 PM Its in the Duffel Blog so its GOT to be true! They can’t post anything on the internet if it isn’t true. Richard Cottrell says: December 15, 2013 at 6:20 PM Poor guy! Pete Corley says: December 15, 2013 at 6:20 PM Could Cthulhu live below Bagram? Non-Euclidean structures: Check. Inhabitants inevitably driven insane: Check. Cult members worshipping the almighty Reflective Belt: Check…Well crap.