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Military Absentee Ballots Delivered One Day Late, Would Have Swung Election For Romney

WASHINGTON, DC – Sources confirmed today that hundreds of thousands of military absentee ballots were delivered hours after the deadline for them to be counted, with preliminary counts showing that they would have overturned the vote in several states and brought a victory for Governor Mitt Romney.

Officials say the ballots were delivered late due to problems within the military mail system. Tracking invoices show the ballots sat in a warehouse for a month, then they were accidentally labeled as ammunition and shipped to Afghanistan. At Camp Dwyer, Marine Sergeant John Davis signed for them and was surprised at the contents.

“I told Gunny we got a bunch of ballots instead of ammo,” Davis told investigators earlier today.  “He told me to file a report of improper delivery and that the chain of command would take care of it.  We didn’t hear anything for three weeks.  While we were waiting we came under fire so we dumped a bunch of them in the Hescoes.  We didn’t dig those ones back out.”

After military officials realized the initial error, the ballots were then sent back to the U.S. but suffered a series of setbacks.

Twelve boxes of ballots were dropped overboard during delivery to the USS Kearsarge (LHD-3) in the Persian Gulf, then while the ship sailed to Bahrain, postal clerks allegedly pocketed whatever ballots they wanted.

The remaining absentee ballots were loaded onto a C-130, but the flight was delayed until November 1st so the crew could get tax free pay for the month.  Once the ballots arrived stateside they were promptly mailed to each state’s counting facility, reaching their final destination on November 7th.

“It’s a shame,” Rear Admiral John Dawes said when asked for comment.  “I expected a delay so I ordered that everyone cast their votes eight months ago. It’s really unfortunate that our mail system failed us and directly affected the course of history.”

Upon hearing the news, angry Republicans have begun a demand for a recount, but most military absentee voters have shrugged off the news, with many wondering whether the care packages their families sent six months ago were ever going to show up.

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[…] by drew DuffleBlog […]


[…] vote.  Especially since we know the Borg will pull out all the stops – voter intimidation, lost absentee military ballots, undead voters, and voter fraud.  The Borg doesn’t see anything wrong with playing dirty as long […]

10 months 29 days ago

Guys this is a parody site. This is a fake article. Sorry

1 year 12 days ago

Reading through these comments a year and a half after the fact makes me fear for our country. It seems that so many of my fellow citizens lack the basic reading comprehension skills to distinguish satire from an actual news headline. A quick glance at virtually any other headline on this website reveals to not-so-hidden truth. No wonder we can’t figure out elections- if people can’t tell that a website is satirical, then they obviously will not be able to tell when politicians lie to them in campaign ads, speeches, etc.! The difference between that and… Read more »

1 year 12 days ago

Romney didn’t even technically become the nominee for the GOP until 5/30. That’s not 8 months ago, as this article claims (“I had them vote 8 months ago to avoid this!), so who did they vote for in March? Look at all this misguided anger… Makes me happy. (Source:

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