Taliban Charge Rapper Chris Brown With Stolen Valor
KABUL, AFGHANISTAN — Taliban lawyers have filed formal charges against pop singer Chris Brown for “falsely representing himself as a Taliban terrorist,” according to court documents obtained by Duffel Blog today.
The charges were filed in the Taliban Court of Beheadings, Stonings, and Justice in Waziristan on Thursday, in response to pictures circulating on the internet of Brown dressed as a terrorist for Halloween.
“How can Mr. Brown lay claim to being a terrorist?” said Taliban spokesperson Ahmad Gul Abjamen. “His beard–it is not befitting of a dog. Even my boy servant’s beard is mightier than his.”
Taliban elders passed the so-called “Terrorist Stolen Valor” act in 2005, making it illegal for people to claim Taliban status, decorations, or awards they haven’t earned. Since then, over forty people have been arrested for violating the law.
Most notably, in 2009 a Kandahar man was arrested for drawing a picture of himself on a cave wall having sex with a goat reserved for Taliban VIPs.
“We struggle daily in the fight against the infidels, yet we must also endure these fakers attempting to steal our glory,” Gul Abjamen said. “Brown would not last even a single day in Basic Terrorist Training. You cannot imagine how many monkey bars I had to traverse before I was allowed to wear the turban, and Mr. Brown simply purchases one at the Terrorist Surplus Store and feels entitled to wear it.”
“The Great Satan [the United States] may have struck down its own Stolen Valor laws as unconstitutional,” Gul Abjamen said, “but we terrorists still believe in a little thing called ‘pride.’”
Most terrorists support the charges against Brown, but some have mixed feelings.
Mahmud Hasan, a Taliban terrorist in Takhar province, thinks that while Brown may not be a terrorist in reality, he is one in spirit. Hasan points to Brown’s 2009 beating of then-girlfriend Rihanna as proof of having the right attitude toward women.
“Any man who would beat a woman in such a manner is A-Ok in my book,” Hasan said, “and his vocals on Don’t Wake Me Up are sublime.”
Brown has not yet appeared at his arraignment in the Waziristan court. He has stated to members of the press, however, that he is confident he will be cleared of all charges.
Reading a prepared statement, Brown said: “These accusations are false and completely without merit. I will beat the shit out of these charges the way I beat the shit out of Ri…I will beat the shit out of these charges.”