Taliban Charge Rapper Chris Brown With Stolen Valor Ron November 3, 2012 OPFOR 23 Comments Follow Duffel Blog: Chris Brown in Taliban garb (Photo courtesy of TMZ) KABUL, AFGHANISTAN — Taliban lawyers have filed formal charges against pop singer Chris Brown for “falsely representing himself as a Taliban terrorist,” according to court documents obtained by Duffel Blog today. The charges were filed in the Taliban Court of Beheadings, Stonings, and Justice in Waziristan on Thursday, in response to pictures circulating on the internet of Brown dressed as a terrorist for Halloween. “How can Mr. Brown lay claim to being a terrorist?” said Taliban spokesperson Ahmad Gul Abjamen. “His beard–it is not befitting of a dog. Even my boy servant’s beard is mightier than his.” Taliban elders passed the so-called “Terrorist Stolen Valor” act in 2005, making it illegal for people to claim Taliban status, decorations, or awards they haven’t earned. Since then, over forty people have been arrested for violating the law. Most notably, in 2009 a Kandahar man was arrested for drawing a picture of himself on a cave wall having sex with a goat reserved for Taliban VIPs. “We struggle daily in the fight against the infidels, yet we must also endure these fakers attempting to steal our glory,” Gul Abjamen said. “Brown would not last even a single day in Basic Terrorist Training. You cannot imagine how many monkey bars I had to traverse before I was allowed to wear the turban, and Mr. Brown simply purchases one at the Terrorist Surplus Store and feels entitled to wear it.” “The Great Satan [the United States] may have struck down its own Stolen Valor laws as unconstitutional,” Gul Abjamen said, “but we terrorists still believe in a little thing called ‘pride.’” Most terrorists support the charges against Brown, but some have mixed feelings. Mahmud Hasan, a Taliban terrorist in Takhar province, thinks that while Brown may not be a terrorist in reality, he is one in spirit. Hasan points to Brown’s 2009 beating of then-girlfriend Rihanna as proof of having the right attitude toward women. “Any man who would beat a woman in such a manner is A-Ok in my book,” Hasan said, “and his vocals on Don’t Wake Me Up are sublime.” Brown has not yet appeared at his arraignment in the Waziristan court. He has stated to members of the press, however, that he is confident he will be cleared of all charges. Reading a prepared statement, Brown said: “These accusations are false and completely without merit. I will beat the shit out of these charges the way I beat the shit out of Ri…I will beat the shit out of these charges.” Nicole Lee Barger-Tangara says: May 25, 2014 at 4:40 AM So is he proud of beating Rihanna. ..he will beat the shit out of these charges like he did Ri…? Really I hope he ends up like Bobby Brown no respect and broke! Erik Burney says: May 20, 2014 at 4:25 PM Chris brown would make a great terrorist. Consider his resume: He hates America and he beats the shit out of his women. Just gotta get him fit for a Boom Vest and to start fucking goats and he’s in. Timothy Dunn says: December 15, 2013 at 6:22 PM LOL Doc Bailey says: December 15, 2013 at 6:22 PM I don’t know Chris Brown might be a terrorist. Some of his shit makes my ears bleed. Jerry Beingesser says: December 15, 2013 at 6:22 PM It’s strange but when Chris Brown sings he sounds like he’s singing (?) in Talibani. Micah Albrecht says: December 15, 2013 at 6:22 PM I’m sure they will let him off with a slap on the wrist. They respect women beaters in their culture Mickey Rambo McSwain says: December 15, 2013 at 6:22 PM There were quite a few kids that need prosecuting in Marjah… They out right admitted to being Taliban, yet I was told to lower my rifle… I hope Justice is served. P.n. Musquiz says: December 15, 2013 at 6:22 PM Gul Abjamen. Making me hungre over here. Brian Dudley says: December 15, 2013 at 6:22 PM Ho-lee-sheepshit! I knew there was something about this guy! CHRIS BROWN IS TALIBAN James Campbell says: December 15, 2013 at 6:22 PM You guys do realize this is a fake story… Troy R. Stull says: December 15, 2013 at 6:22 PM We knew Chris Brown was an idiot but that’s just an awful idea for a Halloween costume. John J. Vallier says: December 15, 2013 at 6:22 PM They can have the POS. Nicholas Long says: December 15, 2013 at 6:22 PM Finally. Damien R Johnson says: December 15, 2013 at 6:22 PM I am American and I approve the beheading of Chris brown. Darnell Durgin says: December 15, 2013 at 6:22 PM stop being lil bitches this is america death to all radicals……chris I approve of this tell AFGHANISTAN to kill themselfs fuccin towel head camel jockeys….im proud to be american motherfuckers. these things I say says: November 9, 2012 at 7:27 PM Are you sure he’s dressed as a Taliban? Maybe he’s dressed as a dancing boy. TheDuffelBlog says: November 3, 2012 at 3:45 PM Test Post. leftoftheboom says: November 3, 2012 at 11:52 AM @TheDuffelBlog That dude is soo boned. That would be like wearing the Victoria Secret cross your heart bra, with the MoH, and watching Rosanne Bar on a stripper pole. Chris Brown says: November 3, 2012 at 10:21 AM I am going to beat yo ass cracka. How dare you try Breezy. You think Rihanna looked bad? You should see my goat when I am done with him. Just wait. leftoftheboom says: November 3, 2012 at 9:16 AM Wait…What?? “Most notably, in 2009 a Kandahar man was arrested for drawing a picture of himself on a cave wall having sex with a goat reserved for Taliban VIPs.” What part was reserved, the drawing pictures part, the cave part, or the sex with goat part? More clarification is needed because I thought that goats sex was the main reason they joined the Taliban in the first place. Classified says: November 3, 2012 at 9:16 AM Ouch that hurts, However point well made, its a travesty that the Stolen Valor laws are gone: “The Great Satan [the United States] may have struck down its own Stolen Valor laws as unconstitutional,” Gul Abjamen said, “but we terrorists still believe in a little thing called ‘pride.” RainbowLover says: November 3, 2012 at 9:01 AM This is brilliant My-kel Patrick says: November 3, 2012 at 8:13 AM Hilarious. Also, Chris Brown is garbage.