KANDAHAR, AFGHANISTAN – While the Department of Defense is still reacting to the ongoing investigation of Brigadier General Jeffrey Sinclair, who has been charged with adultery, forcible sodomy, and a host of other crimes, one of his lesser offenses, possession of pornography, may be having positive effects.
The 4.6 terabytes of explicit, hardcore sexual performances were stored on several hard-drives on the General’s personal servers while he served in Afghanistan as Deputy Commanding General in Kandahar.
In September, First Lieutenant Will Switzer, the General’s only male aide, which made him the only staff member not in danger of being raped, had heard rumors about the alleged treasure trove from a female Captain that also worked for the General. Her responsibilities included bringing him coffee in a French maid outfit while the 54 year-old Sinclair sat in his conference room and surfed through his library of erotica, wearing nothing but his Kevlar helmet and wielding a Patton-esque riding crop.
According to Switzer, he then appropriated one of the hard drives so he could “do some research before making a decision about what to do next.” Unfortunately, he was stunned to find that the drives he had intended to turn-in to his chain of command once he had completed a thorough review of the material, had been stolen mere hours later.
Duffel Blog investigators have learned that the pornography was stolen by Mohammed, an interpreter working in the American headquarters, who managed to pass the drive to Taliban leadership in Quetta, Pakistan with the intention of highlighting the morally corrupt US forces occupying Afghanistan. Unfortunately for the insurgent movement, the effects were much more destructive and far reaching.
“There was just so much porn!” stated Taliban PR spokesman Mohammed Hamtullah.
“I’ve never seen anything like that before. Literally weeks worth of videos showing men and women doing things that I couldn’t have imagined. One time when I was little, my father caught me looking at a picture of a woman where you could see her nose, and part of her left wrist.”
Hamtullah continued, highlighting how angry his father was.
“Afterwards he made me go to the sheep pen and watch him enjoy a ram, to show how real Afghan men handled things. Needless to say that was the last time I looked at a revealed woman.”
Only days after the porn arrived at the Taliban Headquarters, located inside the Pakistani president’s summer compound, things began to change.
Gul Mohammed, an audio visual tech with the Propaganda & Beheading Video Department, was one of the first to notice the difference.
“After watching about 27 hours worth of the filthy videos to find things of value for our daily anti-American Zionist news hour, I had to go to the market to clear my head and get some chai. Once in the shop, the young supple boy pranced up to me to serve the tea like he always did, but this time, instead of being aroused, I felt nothing. That was when I heard a crash in the kitchen and looked up to see the owner’s wife bent over picking up a broken plate. Her enormous buttocks were pressed against the fabric of her black burka, and I felt myself suddenly overcome with lust….for a woman!” he said, shaking his head in amazement.
Similar tales have started to emerge from both sides of the Pakistan-Afghan border, with some local commanders complaining to their higher leadership that men won’t fight due to “excessive exhaustion” after iPods filled with the pornographic materials made their way to combat units.
In an attempt to fight the debilitating spread of the materials, Taliban Command Sergeant Major Hajji Mohammed Sayeed has made possessing pornography in the warzone illegal, but even he admits the effort is too little, too late.
“I mean, I’m supposed to enforce the standard, but what can I do? Execute the entire fighting force? Everyone has this stuff. I even commissioned our propaganda cell to release a video called ‘Chai Boys and Sheep Gone Wild IV’ but my heart just wasn’t in it. As we filmed on site at the Quetta meeting hall, I realized that it was pretty disgusting, and I kept flashing back to the story of a woman called Mona Screamsalot and her two companions, Rock Everhard and Brick Manly. It was….inspiring.”
Duffel Blog has also been able to confirm reports that a new company called Naughty Afghanistan has released a high-quality video called Shaffera and the Date Merchant, shot on location in Kabul, that has already sold more than 100 DVDs as well as almost two-million pirated copies, making it the most popular film ever created in the six month history of Afghan cinema.