Bill O’Reilly Wounded In Latest Salvo Of War On Christmas Paul December 20, 2012 News 17 Comments Follow Duffel Blog: PrevNextUse your ← → (arrow) keys to browse NEW YORK, NY – Famed television personality Bill O’Reilly is in critical condition today at a New York City hospital after being wounded by gunfire in the latest battle of the War on Christmas. O’Reilly, a political commentator of Fox News’ “The O’Reilly Factor”, also serves as Commanding General of the Christian Philosophy Brigade, which has been fighting the dark forces of the Secular Empire since 1997. “The secularists have fought us in many battles,” O’Reilly said in one segment where he highlighted key engagements. “At every turn, we have been able to maintain our perimeter and ensure the safety of Christmas for every Christian, Jew, Muslim, and Buddhist who celebrates it.” O’Reilly was allegedly shot by atheist machine-gun fire as he walked out of Fox studios. Although critically injured, O’Reilly, who is no stranger to combat, fired back at the hordes of secularists and anti-religious bigots with his Uzi 9mm. The Secular Empire fighters quickly disbursed and rushed to a nearby church, where they kicked over a nativity scene and exclaimed their love for Satan. “Not only did they shoot at me,” O’Reilly later remarked, “but the bastards said Happy Holidays as they were fleeing. That was the real slap in the face.” This latest gunfight is just another in a long history of battles. On Dec. 22, 2007, a cashier at a Kentucky Wal-Mart gave a customer back his change and said “Have a nice day” in lieu of “Merry Christmas”, causing the man to later suffer debilitating post-traumatic stress. Another incident occurred in 2009 outside a Home Depot in Florida, where customers were forced to buy items the store called “Christmas trees”, rather than the preferred “Celebration of The Birth of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ Trees,” which O’Reilly has demanded. Although doctors have said O’Reilly is in critical condition, they have expressed high hopes for his recovery. “We’re very confident that Bill will recover and be able to fight on for another day,” said Dr. Robert Kleiner. “He’s been in and out of consciousness, but when he’s been awake, he’s been saying that he’s hopeful about getting Feliz Navidad banned from the radio, due to the singer replacing Merry Christmas with ‘a Marxist-Spanish phrase’.” Rick Palacios says: April 16, 2014 at 2:39 AM Keep up the great work! Merry Christmas and God Bless America.. For Bill Michael Hasbun says: April 16, 2014 at 2:39 AM LOL… Mike DeSimone says: April 16, 2014 at 2:39 AM NONE OF THIS MATTERS NOW, ALL IS LOST. THE HOUR IS UPON US! Walt Miller says: April 16, 2014 at 2:39 AM Awesome. Jennifer Anderson says: April 16, 2014 at 2:39 AM Brilliant! James Griffin says: April 16, 2014 at 2:39 AM Damn you, pinheads! Joshua Barnett says: April 16, 2014 at 2:39 AM This is so insulting! How dare you speak of Papa Bear like this! Marshall Emm says: April 16, 2014 at 2:39 AM This is a graph posted on FB Teabonics showing the time Mr. Orally has spent on the War on Christmas (55 minutes) as opposed to real wars (15 minutes)– from 12/1 to 12/18/12. I think Bill-o should worry less about the atheists and more about the pagans from whom Christmas was stolen in the first place. https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=573237989369519&set=a.224321947594460.75723.224319224261399&type=1&relevant_count=1&ref=nf Michelle Dawn Lotz-Lynch says: April 16, 2014 at 2:39 AM Long live the secular cause, fight on! (My hand is raised in a fist, to show everyone I am united with Peter Kirk says: April 16, 2014 at 2:39 AM O’reilly was in critical condition when he was 1st hired! Geoff Vanderfloofen says: April 16, 2014 at 2:39 AM That moment when you wish satire was true. Walt Stachowicz says: April 16, 2014 at 2:39 AM So the fighters disbursed? Who did they pay? You probably meant dispersed. Ryan LaBar says: April 16, 2014 at 2:39 AM Unfortunately, Bill’s bullets had no effect on the onholy hordes of atheists, as they refused to believe that his bullets existed, and thus demanded proof that he was actually holding an Uzi before they would concede to being wounded. Charles Douglas says: April 16, 2014 at 2:39 AM merry Christmas the one and only way Peggy Tiner says: April 16, 2014 at 2:39 AM What is this about Devil-loving Atheists? I thought “Devil-loving” was reserved for Witches. At least that is the way it has always been in these parts. Every time my sister witches and I get together to praise the Goddess someone says we are raising the devil. Jojo Girard says: April 16, 2014 at 2:39 AM If a front is opening on the War on Christmas, shouldn’t the Pagans have a guerrilla army? They had it stolen from them first.