DoD Announces Casualty In War on Christmas
THE PENTAGON – Pentagon spokesperson George Little confirmed the death of a Specialist with the 3rd Brigade Combat Team last night in a suspected “Red on Green” attack.
According to a Pentagon press release, he was apparently killed by a man dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot. His attire was also tarnished with ashes and soot.
Little would not comment if the man was Santa himself, or a Taliban sympathizer dressed as Santa.
As winter sets in throughout Afghanistan, fighting in the mountainous country typically grinds to a standstill. That lull has allowed the Pentagon to shift its efforts to commit troops to its annual War on Christmas.
Capt. James Grinch, an intelligence officer from Fort Wainwright, Alaska, pointed to a sprawling map of the Arctic region.
“A bearded man with a white fur coat, who gives out ‘gifts’ to ‘good children’, regardless of how hard they work? Oh, and he lives near Siberia? Total Commie,” said Grinch, with a wide grin.
The War on Christmas has taken a mounting toll on US troops over the past few years, with Improvised Explosive Devices the biggest killer. Elvish insurgents have become increasinly innovative in their use of IEDs hidden under trees, in packages, and even in the carcasses of dead reindeer.
The Specialist’s death comes two days after a controversial shooting incident at a checkpoint near a U.S. Air Force weather station near Nome, Alaska, which killed an elderly man in what U.S. military sources claim was a Vehicle-Borne IED.
U.S. military officials say that the vehicle, a sleigh believed packed with a massive load of explosives, failed to halt. It was also believed that a bright red light eminating from the forward portion of the vehicle may have been from a PAC-4 laser sight.
U.S. officials insist the occupant was shot in self-defense.