Marines Charged With DUI, Sexual Battery On ‘Price Is Right’ Gameshow
BURBANK, CA — A recent taping of the Price is Right ended abruptly when Marine Lance Corporal Evan Boger drunkenly crashed a car on set causing over $100,000 in damages. Police responded to the scene, charging Boger with driving under the influence, and Corporal Ernesto Arvayo with misdemeanor sexual battery in an incident involving one of the show’s models.
The Marines were part of a group from the Single Marine Program of 3rd Battalion, 1st Marines. According to the SMP Coordinator Janet Liscombe, “SMP provides Marines living in the barracks with safe and fun alcohol-free events. I am just stunned that the Marines involved would not only drink during this event but also become heavily intoxicated.”
According to Marines participating in the trip, the drinking began before the buses arrived. “Hell yeah, we were drinking,” confessed Lance Corporal John Hogens. “We had a mandatory accountability formation at 0600. I have to drink just to get through the day.”
Things turned sour quickly when Cpl Arvayo was called to contestants row. “That shit was hilarious,” laughed LCpl Hogens. “Fucker could barely stand let alone walk down the aisle. Then he keeps yelling one dollar on every bid with that shit-eating grin on his face.”
However, when bidding on a set of his and her trampolines, Arvayo yelled out, “Seven Six Oh for all my homies back in the bricks.” The wager ended up being a perfect bid.
“I see him stumbling up the stairs,” recounts host Drew Carey, “and I’m handing him the $500 for the perfect bid when he shouts at me, ‘Thanks holmes! This is gonna go far on some bitches and beer down at the purple church.'”
The purple church, located in San Diego, is a non-denominational congregation of Khlysty ministry, nudism, and heavy drinking.
It was during the prize game that things would begin to unravel. Model Tiffany Jones drove up in brand new Dodge Charger as the prize for the dice game. “I’d been sippin’ on that DJ Blanco, and I got that hot hand, right?” recounted Arvayo. “Then I was like get it, get it, get it,” he said shaking his fist.
Cpl Arvayo would throw an unprecedented three sixes and a one to win the car outright. Immediately, members of Arvayo’s fire team rushed the stage to congratulate him. Arvayo’s actions, however, would result in the misdemeanor charge brought against him.
“So I make my way around the car and there’s this model staring right at me, cabrón,” explained Arvayo. “She winks at me and tells me congratulations. Well, I throw my arm around her waist all suave and ask her if she’s a hole in one or two kinda chica.”
Subsequent video replays show Arvayo’s hand full-on model Erica Jones’ buttocks.
“That model obviously wasn’t feeling Cpl Arvayo, so he circled his arm and yelled out, ‘Let’s leave before these pendejos change their mind,'” said LCpl Boger. “Cpl Arvayo asked who was good to drive, and I told him I hadn’t drank in an hour. So, he told me ‘vámanos you fucking boot.'”
LCpl Boger would crash into the dice table before quickly backing up through the showcase doors into a recreational vehicle. His blood alcohol content registered .15.
“I’ve got a lawyer out in town, so I’m pretty sure I’m getting off,” asserted LCpl Boger. “I mean they left the keys behind the visor — that means they have some sort of liability.”
Cpl Arvayo agrees. “My boy in the barracks who knows all about this shit says I have nothing to worry about. That puta was winking at me and telling me good job with her titties hanging out, and then she wants to act surprised that I grabbed her culo? Yeah fucking right.”
Cpl Arvayo is currently petitioning the Price is Right for ownership of the his or her trampolines.