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Seal Team 6 Calls ‘Zero Dark Thirty’ Inaccurate; Say They Don’t Pop Collars Or Wear Tapout Gear

VIRGINIA BEACH, VA – An anonymous Public Affairs Officer (PAO) for Seal Team Six says the movie “Zero Dark Thirty” is factually inaccurate, portraying Seal Team Six members like the douchebags from Seal Team Two.

“At one point Joel Edgarton’s character wears a polo shirt with a popped collar,” the PAO said. “Team Six doesn’t do that. We’re the baddest motherfuckers on the planet. We don’t wear shit like Tapout shirts, Ed Hardy jeans, or fedoras. That’s Team Two.”

The members of Seal Team Two, who the rest of the Special Warfare community calls “very special operators,” gained their reputation in the last decade as the Navy’s demand for SEALs skyrocketed. Not enough sailors were passing Basic Underwater Demolition/Seal (BUD/S) training, so SEAL Team Two began recruiting civilians from local tanning salons and UFC parties. Actual SEALs in Team Two were transferred to other units, including the illustrious Team 11.

“Team Two is a joke,” the PAO from SEAL Team Six said.  “Their PT uniform is a sleeveless t-shirt with slits down the side so people can check out their rib tats. On their last deployment they petitioned the White House to open a Hooters in Afghanistan. A few years ago they spent their entire training budget to make a calendar,” the PAO paused. “What’s up with that guy second from the right?”

Captain David Witten, Commanding Officer of Seal Team Two, said he was too busy to be interviewed because he was at the gym “getting swoll” but told Duffel Blog he could bench three hundred and twenty five pounds.

He said he would be willing to do an interview afterwards but it would have to be quick because he was going to “pound brewskis with his bros.”


[…] displayed as part of a teaser trailer at E3, takes place in the Pakistani compound raided by SEAL Team Six. The player must single-handedly dispatch the American commandos as Bin Laden escapes on a camel […]


[…] Asics running shoes—the ones widely available at any Post Exchange—with blue jeans. He had on a TapOut shirt,” another indicator by itself, according to Mixson, “but get this: it was tucked in. It was […]


[…] LONDON, UK – January’s academy award nominations included many surprises, though none bigger than the out-of-left-field nomination for Best Supporting Actor. Ricky Sekhon, was nominated for his work playing wanted terrorist Osama bin Laden in the movie Zero Dark Thirty. […]


[…] Re: Zero Dark Thirty-bin laden assassination movie Seal Team 6 Calls ?Zero Dark Thirty? Inaccurate […]

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