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Jewish Marine Refuses To Conduct Annual Gas Mask Qualification

CAMP PENDLETON, CA — Testing the effectiveness of the M50 Joint Service General Purpose Mask in a room filled with tear gas is a staple of annual training events for Marines since boot camp, but one Marine refuses to participate, insisting that her chain of command is comprised of fascists typical of Nazi Germany.

Private First Class Dalia Bettelheim says there is a little-known Marine Corps Order stating her exemption from the training, and her personal disposition towards the act of being crammed in a room and gassed has become another sensitive issue in the realm of political-correctness oft plaguing the military.

“My friend told me that Jewish Marines aren’t required to enter the gas chamber,” said Bettelheim in a recent interview, “on account of the Jews being forced into gas chambers by the Nazis during World War II.”

“You would think my chain of command would understand that,” she added, “but instead, they actually deny there is any problem at all. They are Gas Mask Deniers, plain and simple. Worse than Hitler in my opinion.”

While Bettelheim stands by her convictions, her rhetoric is “completely overblown,” according to Corporal Abigail Krüger, the Chemical, Biological, Radiological and Nuclear Defense Specialist (CBRN) running the gas chamber. Krüger insists that PFC Bettelheim is not exempted from the training simply because of her ancestry or religion.

“I don’t care about your religious beliefs or the ‘strife of your people’ throughout history. Everybody is going to have to endure the chlorobenzalmalononitrile gas to instill confidence in their gear,” retorted Cpl Krüger, a third-generation military member with service lineage dating back to WWII. “You know what? Maybe it would help if she developed a little respiratory fortitude, ya know?”

Bettelheim is currently facing non-judicial punishment for disobeying a direct order and failing to comply with Marine Corps regulations after her supervisor, Staff Sergeant Hans Wolfenstein, was notified of her refusal.

Wolfenstein, of Berlin Township, NJ, vehemently denies her claims of being treated unfairly, referencing his own family’s military service. “My great-grandfather fell out of a guard tower in Poland and broke his neck while serving the fatherland in WWII, and you don’t see me crying about it.”

Her non-judicial punishment proceedings will be presided over by her commanding officer, Captain Werner Günther.

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Хайнц Линге

That guard tower line, so /k/

Luke Phillips

hahahahaha the names

Elliot Chefitz
I am a Israeli born Jewish marine who served for 8 years in both Iraq and afgahnistan. Not only is gas chamber training needed in case we ever get gassed in combat but by being a Jew I always entered the gas chamber with no.t shirt and would take my mask off. Stating that by being.Jewish and still being alive that my family had adapted. Obviously that is a joke but I felt the need to be strong.and represent the Jewish people in a positive light. This cry baby needs to.conform to.the marine corps or get the hell out of… Read more »
Rick Clouse

Funny=dumbass comments from Dumbass people who have no sense of humor or can’t separate satire from reality. It’s the DUFFLE BLOG YOU ASS CRABS!!!!! Please add idiot to your title of savant.

Andrew Ingram

Haha love the names!


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