FORT BRAGG, NC – Soldiers from the 349th Military Police Company recently contacted The Duffel Blog, complaining that Army First Lieutenant David “Kip” Francis talks incessantly about his new boyfriend in graphic detail, despite nobody ever asking the young officer, who recently revealed he is homosexual.
“The LT will not shut up about ‘Paolo’, his new Brazilian boyfriend,” reported Sergeant First Class Will Moore, 1LT Francis’ platoon sergeant. “We were getting ready to do flutter kicks yesterday morning and he told the entire formation that he’d be lucky to keep up, being so sore from the ‘vicious pile-driving’ Paolo gave him the night before. I mean, c’mon, TMI, right?”
Fellow platoon leaders in the 349th expressed similar feelings.
“Listen, I have a gay brother and am in no way homophobic,” 1LT John Mendes told reporters, “but the level of detail Kip goes into is over the top. I can deal with him talking before a meeting about going with Paolo to a nice dinner, or a romantic weekend or something, but who wants to hear about Kip being a ‘power bottom’ for over two hours because he was going to the field and needed to get a week’s dosage of ‘Paolo peen?’”
“Don’t even think of asking Kip what’s up if he has a goofy smile on his face,” said 2LT Amy Smith, another fellow platoon leader. “I made that mistake last week during a Military Decision Making Process back brief and got roped into a thirty-minute-long exploration of the fabulous LGBTQ scene in North Carolina, ways in which to better perform fellatio, and a laundry list of the sexual positions he and Paolo had been experimenting with the night before.”
1LT Francis agreed to meet with TDB to discuss the complaints, but cancelled the interview via text message, stating: “Sry, but cant mke it. Paolo put me to work this morn and I literaly cant get out of bed. 9 inches goes a long way if u know what I mean…”
Appended to the text was a winking emoticon.