Hipster Joins Army To Be Ironic Pte Bloggins March 3, 2013 Army 37 Comments Follow Duffel Blog: PrevNextUse your ← → (arrow) keys to browse FORT JACKSON, SC – Like thousands of recruits that come through the gates of Fort Jackson every year, Private Eugene Burns never envisioned himself one day joining the Army. Indeed the liberal arts college dropout was quite opposed to the idea of serving until a recent turn of events inspired him to enlist. “I was always so opposed to war and killing people,” said the new recruit, former war protester, pacifist and retro indie punk rock fan. “I guess I had a change of heart.” Some may wonder what sets Burns apart from the thousands of other clean shaven camo clad middle-class recruits that fill Fort Jackson. Drill Sergeant Jason Erickson explained: “As soon as I saw the little shit head I knew exactly what was his problem. Kid’s a goddamn hipster! I know Raybans, retro clothes and a condescending attitude when I see it!” While Burns vigorously denies being a hipster, he has managed to retain his signature Raybans despite being stripped of most other personal accoutrements. “They’re prescription glasses. I suffer from miopnelenoma. It’s an eye condition you’ve probably never heard of before,” he explained with a smug look that grew amid a low groan of contempt from his fellow recruits. When asked why he finally decided to enlist Private Burns sighed and expressed his personal motivations. “My friends and I loved to complain about how sheep-like and subservient joining the Army was. Bombing shitty third world nations and protesting about it seemed so mainstream. I mean we’ve been doing shit like that since Vietnam.” “Then it got me thinking how ironic it would be if I did something conformist like joining the Army and serving the oil hungry corporations we despise so much. The chance was too irresistible to turn down and after I talked with a recruiter holed up in a seedy strip mall, I knew I had to do this.” Some might think his inherently snobby and non-conformist attitude might make Burns ill-suited for the Army. Rather it was quite the opposite as his his Drill Sergeant explained: “I didn’t think he was going to be able to hack it at first, but somehow we have managed to beat proper hygiene, dress and deportment into his thick skull. You could say he has embraced the inherent lack of individuality and kick in the dick experience that Army life can be. Still doesn’t change the fact that the kid is a total fucking asshole.” As the first hipster soldier, Burns has many wondering if this indicates the presence of an ironic underground counter-counter-culture. While the emphasis has long been on individuality and obscurity, it has now become the norm for many in the younger generation. The Army with its old school conservative values and rigid conformity has long been viewed with disdain by the hipster community. Yet the military now provides a sanctuary for those looking to buck a now mainstream counter culture. “I joined the Army before it was cool,” Private Burns said. Brandon Smith says: July 3, 2014 at 9:44 PM Chris Carr Brandon Smith says: July 3, 2014 at 9:44 PM Chris Carr Steve Lessner says: April 16, 2014 at 2:39 AM Obama’s Army will be like McHale’s Navy. But more incompetent. Richard Galli says: April 16, 2014 at 2:39 AM back in 1980 I was the first granola to go in the Army, for all those gnarly powder shots in the Italian Alps [509th Inf] Gerard Black says: February 25, 2014 at 11:54 PM You got that one right, Doc. Fred Zee says: February 25, 2014 at 11:54 PM Damn, that was funny. Tammy S Lynn says: February 25, 2014 at 11:54 PM Raybans are not hipster! I protest. You guys crack me up. Tim Foster says: February 25, 2014 at 11:54 PM Dumbass needd a job… that’s the real reason….. Melissa Nunes says: February 25, 2014 at 11:54 PM But can he march while listening to The Black Keys? That’s the real question here. Ashely N Schuchhardt says: February 25, 2014 at 11:54 PM Please tell me I’m not the only person who wants to punch this guy in the face. Chase Newland says: February 25, 2014 at 11:54 PM Sometimes when you want too be non-conformist, you just gotta conform! Andy Niemyer says: February 25, 2014 at 11:54 PM Hey, Bob Smith, wasn’t this guy at Huachuca with you? Dillon Yost says: February 25, 2014 at 11:54 PM I hate hipsters, but this article was hilarious. I wonder what it would be like to see an actual hipster in service. Ruth Shertzman Bertram says: February 25, 2014 at 11:54 PM “I joined the Army before it was cool,”. I know this guy… he’s actually in the Air Force though. Paul Daniel Thomas Vigg says: February 25, 2014 at 11:54 PM So…this is a joke right? The whole article? Because if it is, then it’s poorly executed, and if it’s not…what a world… David Holifield says: February 25, 2014 at 11:54 PM Even though we laugh at this, we all know it to be true. I have had hipsters in my unit before. They get lots of tail. R Alexander Knox says: February 25, 2014 at 11:54 PM I served with gays & neo-Nazis – these guys would torque off both groups! Alan Johnson says: February 25, 2014 at 11:54 PM I was in Vietnam. There were plenty of ‘hipsters” in the Army then, both drafted and enlisted. Youth culture in the US was going through a transition and the Army was no different. Still, almost everyone did their job. There were a few “conformists” who couldn’t “hack it” either. Eric Neil says: February 25, 2014 at 11:54 PM This is by far the dumbest fucking article I’ve ever read in regard to the Army. What in the fucking fuck did I just waste 2 minutes of my life on? Robert P. Wills says: February 25, 2014 at 11:54 PM Damn you Duffle Blog- you got me to look up miopnelenoma! Rainbow Di says: February 25, 2014 at 11:54 PM So basically a hipster is a little old Jewish lady. James Davison says: February 25, 2014 at 11:54 PM Funny read and lol@people that think it’s real… Josef Hughson says: February 25, 2014 at 11:54 PM I’m a S6, so I basically have a section that is 50% hipster and 50% IT nerd with a Venn Diagram that overlaps showing that 50% are hipsters and IT nerds. <—— BTW Those glasses in my DA Photo are Ray Bans Patrick Jones says: February 25, 2014 at 11:54 PM I was already laughing just reading the headline… Erich Maria de Villiers says: February 25, 2014 at 11:54 PM You forgot to mention how he brought his bicycle with him. Elliott Pippen says: February 25, 2014 at 11:54 PM oh how I WISH that he was the only hipster in the military. Paul Lpl Ludwig says: February 25, 2014 at 11:54 PM Steve Jobs was a hipster and now he’s dead. That is your final warning. Mike Sweeney says: February 25, 2014 at 11:54 PM I too can relate. I joined in 69 and was at least a want to be hippie. I told my freinds I was going to beat the 2 year DRAFT by enlisting for 3 years at the age of 17. Talk about ironic, the draft ended before my 3 year enlistment was up, so I stayed in for 30 years. (NOTE: I recieved my draft notice in the middle of that first enlistment… guess I beat the establishment!). Steve Wilson says: February 25, 2014 at 11:54 PM IKIS. Damn. I thought I had this whole genre to myself when I left my hardcore punk band in Detroit to join the Marines in 1983. But a hipster? Fuck me running… Jarod DePastene says: February 25, 2014 at 11:54 PM Ahem…. actually, I’ve always kinda been hipster, on one level or another… and I was a pretty shit-hot Soldier, when I needed to be. Put me in a position of any semblance of responsibility, and I was by-the-book, straight-forward, and took care of my guys. Introduce me to boredom or utter stupidity for even a second, and I was mothing off, always looking for the best place to get away with sleeping on duty, refusing to keep my hair at anything but “just-barely-within-regs” length, and finding any way possible to “lose” my reflective belt and/or keep using BDU and DCU colored equipment. The whole Army thing actually kind of goes hand-in-hand with the “tolerable” hipster, anyhow. Thick-rimmed glasses, free shemaghs and berets(and other kinds of off-the-beaten-path clothing items that most people never even heard of), nobody judges you for smoking cheap cigarettes, a guilt free loitering spot (anywhere in your battalion area), and a captive audience to listen to your diatribes about conspiracies and the emerging nobility class. The military is hipster heaven, as long as you can learn to follow orders. Terrance Sanborn says: February 25, 2014 at 11:54 PM A real hipster would have joined NOAA. It’s a uniformed service: you’ve probably never heard of it. Joel O'Brien says: February 25, 2014 at 11:54 PM I beat the draft…by enlisting! Nick Antoncic says: February 25, 2014 at 11:54 PM Apparently, the “hipster” tried to join the Jejune Institute first but was rejected, for what appear to be obscure and somewhat ironic reasons. Zachary Holt says: February 25, 2014 at 11:54 PM I thought Bradley Manning was the first hipster in the army. Doc Bailey says: February 25, 2014 at 11:54 PM It’s amazing how conformist non-conformists can be. Pappy Hicks says: February 25, 2014 at 11:54 PM After I returned from Korea 1952, I became a platoon sergeant training infantrymen, most who would go to Korea. We were old school army and most of the recruits were kids from WW I & WW II families. I got my US Army commission, infantry, between wars. I am also an old paratrooper of many jumps over the years. On my last tour from Viet Nam I was assigned as a XO to a Infantry Basic Training Battalion. This as Ft. Bragg, SF and 82nd AIB. I was more than ticked off. but I did have time to make my last covert ops in 1968. This one puled my plug. and I was retired as total physically disabled Army officer. But on my tour with this battalion, to say the least, this was a different bunch of young men then my first. Some were, and became, some of the best soldiers I have ever known. The majority were very different than how I was brought up as a young American, ready to fight and die under the flag. But I was told by many old friends that once these young men was under the gun and fighting to save their bother warriors lives, they fought like we old guys. I am proud of both experiences.