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Combat Deaths Now Considered ‘Acts of Allah’ — No Longer Covered By Life Insurance

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Department of Veterans Affairs is considering a highly-controversial policy for U.S. service members killed in Afghanistan by having their deaths classified “Acts of God” — or Allah in this case — a clause not covered by the Servicemembers Group Life Insurance (SGLI), officials said.

This is the most significant policy change since SGLI stopped covering deaths by alcohol abuse, motorcycle riding, suicide, or anything else your First Sergeant may have warned you about.

“It is very difficult for us to turn a profit while having to pay for every soldier’s death,” said Randy Mears, an SGLI spokesman. “No other insurance company is burdened with these payments. We looked into the issue and discovered that insurance companies are not required to pay for Acts of God. Unfortunately, combat isn’t generally an act of God. But religiously-motivated killings are arguably indirect acts of Allah, and thus excludable.”

“This move may seem controversial but it is a simple act of calculating risk,” Mears said. “We don’t cover deaths in car accidents if you’re not wearing your seat belt, why should we cover people who volunteer to get shot at? It’s an all-volunteer military so being on the front lines is a choice made by the individual soldier.”

“That is a heightened risk we shouldn’t have to cover unless you pay an additional premium,” he added.

“Are you fucking serious?” Corporal Max Stone said when he heard the news. “I spent ten grand on Dragonskin armor that I had to leave behind so my wife could get my benefits and now this? Way to screw us! This is a breach of my contract. They’re going to hear from my lawyer.”

“They’re leaving me high and dry,” said Sarah Market, widow of a soldier killed in Afghanistan. “I have two kids to feed and I lost everything when Scott was taken from us. I’m probably going to lose this house. Still, SGLI is a business, they have to take care of their bottom line.”

In related news, SGLI unveiled several new policies aimed towards ground combat military specialties starting at low rates of $3,000 per month.

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