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Marine Corps

Fighting Suicide: Marines Try Posthumous Non-Judicial Punishment

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CAMP LEJEUNE, NC – “Marines are not allowed to die without permission!” R. Lee Ermey’s character famously tells a group of recruits in the 1987 film Full Metal Jacket.  Now, twenty-six years later, the Marine Corps is putting those words into practice.

In what is being described as the toughest new anti-suicide policy in the U.S. military, the Marine Corps has announced that Marines who commit suicide will now automatically receive formal non-judicial punishment and possible administrative separation from the Marine Corps.

Any Marine who commits suicide will be charged following August 1, the drop dead date for commands to implement the new zero-tolerance policy.

“If you kill yourself from now on, it won’t just be a warning or a negative counseling, but an Article 134 per the Uniform Code of Military Justice,” said Sergeant Mark Davis, a spokesMarine at Camp Lejeune.  “And if that doesn’t work, we may have to move to an automatic administrative separation, based on a refusal to train, come to work, or breathe.”

The Marines hope the program will slash suicides in half by the end of the year.

Under current policy, a Marine who attempts suicide can be charged with disrupting order and discrediting the Marine Corps; if on deployment, they are also automatically removed from the rolls of the fallen and any unit memorials. However, some commanders feel that policy does not go far enough.

“For years, we’ve told Marines about the automatic loss of Serviceman’s Group Life Insurance Benefits, as well as forfeiture of leave and liberty privileges,” said Sergeant Davis. “But we have yet to see a noticeable drop in suicides as a result.”

Some Marines have blamed the suicide problem on recent attempts by the Marine Corps to remove the stigma of the act, an approach which they say has repeatedly failed. In a complete reversal, the new program will also attempt to increase that stigma as much as possible.

“Why should I have to attend a suicide prevention brief, when I’m obviously alive?” asked Lance Corporal Tim White, an artilleryman with 1st Battalion 10th Marines. “If the Marine Corps really wants an effective program, it has to be aimed at Marines who have already killed themselves.”

Sergeant Davis said he understood the reaction.

“Up until now, Marines who didn’t kill themselves had to deal with all the fallout from Marines who did,” he explained. “Well the good news is that’s going to change: we’re talking loss of rank, clearance, pay and benefits, you name it. And they can forget about going on [Marine Security Guard] or Recruiting duty, because every B-Billet requires you to be alive when you check in.”

Despite the outcry by some groups over the new punishments, Marine officials say they hope the harsh punishment will actually help despondent Marines by showing them that suicide will create more problems for them in the long run.

“Actions have consequences, especially suicide,” said Maj. Pedro Martinez, a member of the Marine Corps’ Suicide Prevention team. “Marines need to understand that killing themselves won’t just affect them now, but can affect their career years down the road.  And no matter how you kill yourself, your chain of command will still be able to recall you for punishment, via seance or Ouija board.”

Maj. Martinez also insisted that the approach shows the Corps isn’t turning a blind eye to the problem.

“For too long we’ve underestimated the problem of suicide. Despite repeated surveys and focus groups, we have yet to find any Marines who will publicly admit that they’ve committed suicide. And it became easy to say ‘this is an Army problem or a Navy problem’ until we woke up to find it hanging right in front of us.”

“This program is our last, best shot,” he added.

Marine Corps

Retired Marine General John Kelly relieves White House Chief of Staff John Kelly of duty

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WASHINGTON — Retired Marine Gen. John F. Kelly was relieved to relieve White House Chief of Staff John Kelly of duty, sources confirmed today.

Kelly will depart by the end of the year.

Kelly, who in the past honorably served as a Marine and was also the Department of Homeland Security Secretary for a couple of weeks or whatever before moving to the White House, informed the chief of his relief to the relief of the chief, while standing in front of a mirror in the West Wing.

Trump chose some guy named Mick Mulvaney, who is the head of the Office of Budget and Management, to replace Kelly. Mulvaney is reportedly a pay-to-play Republican — a much better fit for Trump than the somewhat morally-upstanding Kelly — who once said, “If you are a lobbyist who never gave us money, I did not talk to you. If you are a lobbyist who gave us money, I might talk to you.”

Reports of Kelly being forced to leave his suit jacket behind — as happened to previous Trump aide John McEntee — were dismissed.

“He dropped it like a hot potato,” said A.Z. Kizzer, a White House staffer who has served in 17 administrations as a card-carrying member of the Deep State. Kizzer added that not only did Kelly throw down his jacket, he also set fire to it with a military-grade flamethrower while yelling, “Moto T-shirts from now on! Veteran-owned, American-proud!”

Kelly joins a host of Trump administration departures who reportedly gave the one-finger salute to the president’s awesome hair while asserting that “happiness is the White House in your rear view mirror,” to paraphrase a legendary country song. It’s been reported that Kelly no longer talks to the president, and that he was perturbed by having to be interviewed by special counsel Robert Mueller’s team regarding unspecified obstructions of justice by the Administration.

Army Lt. Gen. H. R. McMaster, the national security advisor who departed his position last April, was supportive.

“I was replaced by the mustache of John Bolton, so I see no problem with John being replaced by whatever jetsam floats down Pennsylvania Ave.,” said McMaster. “These days, anyone can get a job at the White House, what with all the vacancies because of, you know, subpoenas and jail terms.”

Kelly reportedly wrote an email regarding his departure to fellow Marine and Defense Secretary James Mattis.

“I’ve been sleeping with my DD-214 printed woobie for months,” he wrote. “I’m tired. But old woobies never die, they just fade away. And I’m just like that faded woobie, fading away from the shame I suffered working so long for President Prick and his cadre of law-breaking priquettes.”

Later, Kelly continued denying that he ever called Trump an idiot. Smiling directly at reporters and cameramen, he snapped two fingers and added, “But you never asked if I called him a a whack-doodle, a fourth-grade lunch-stealer, a pathological liar, or a scumbag serial adulterer. Sucks to be a bunch of 27-year old know-nothing journalists.”

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Marine Corps

Meet the woman who got a kidney transplant from an infantryman and woke up craving Monster and Skoal

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CARMEL, Ind. – Third grade teacher Kasie Spyker woke up after a long-awaited kidney transplant dying for a cold Monster and fresh can of Skoal after receiving an organ from an infantryman, sources at Methodist Hospital confirmed today.

Spyker, who had been suffering from lupus and on a strict diet of fresh foods her entire life, had never tried any of Monster’s products before the life-saving surgery.

“I’d heard from other patients in the transplant ward that they felt different after the transplant.” Said Spyker. “For David, he got a lung transplant from a marathoner and suddenly wanted to go running. I got a kidney from an infantryman, and suddenly wanted to pack a fat lip.”

Spyker’s friends and family had raised over $20,000 to help pay for the transplant surgery and recovery. They were thrilled to learn that she’d be getting a kidney from a young infantryman at the peak of physical fitness after he died suddenly in a freak motorcycle airbrushing accident. They now hope to raise money for the Dodge Charger payments the soldier left behind.

“I feel like a new woman,” said Spyker, drawing out a fresh new tattoo to commemorate the transplant. “I’m so thankful for this new lease on life. I can’t wait until I’m out of this hospital gown and can go buy some new affliction t-shirts and axe body spray.”

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Air Force

Charles ‘Wide Neck’ McDowell leads USO Tour request voting

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ARLINGTON, Va. — After weeks of neck-and-neck voting, Charles “Wide Neck” McDowell has pulled ahead of adult film actress Riley Reid as the most requested USO star for an upcoming international tour, sources confirmed today.

Service members from throughout the military placed more than 645,000 votes for McDowell and 320,000 for Reid this month following McDowell’s fame after his mugshot went viral.

“This is the kind of guy that everyone has necks-level love for,” commented Andrew Green, a specialist with the 82nd Airborne Division. “Soldiers across the world are coming together and neckworking to bring this god to bless our troops and potentially end racism.”

Though the voting does play a large role for the USO in selecting and funding the star, many more factors come into play before booking can actually begin.

“We sent someone down to Charles’ neck of the woods in Florida where he is currently training for his MMA debut. But despite his schedule he seemed interested, and we will discuss more necks week,” said Robert Hales, booking agent for the USO.

Hales did show some hesitation about bringing McDowell along for the European and Middle East tour starting next March.

“I want to give the troops what they have requested, but they’re in for a shock as soon as they see his neck is normal and his head is just tiny,” he said.

Reid volunteered to go on the tour for free if McDowell decided to attend.

“No lie, wide neck, a go pro, and me could trade his 15 min of fame to 15 min of bliss,” she tweeted.

Florida authorities have also voiced their full-throated support for McDowell to give back to the troops, offering to count it as community service and allowing him to travel internationally. Currently out on bail, McDowell has been capitalizing on his fame by appearing on MTV’s show “Necks,” singing in a feature of Ariana Grande’s “Thank You, Necks” hit song, and swallowing watermelons whole for five dollars in Orlando. Hopes are Ol’ Saint Neck could travel by Christmas.

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Marine Corps

The ten most mind-blowing lines from Lieutenant Smith’s latest operations order

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If you didn’t see it yourself, today’s five paragraph mission plan delivered by 2nd Lt. Smith was an absolute doozy. Here are ten of the most outrageous comments, annotated by SAW gunner PFC Ryan Joseph.

1. “Hey men, how’s everyone doing?” It has been well documented that Smith gives 0.0 fucks about anyone in this platoon.

2. “We’ve got a good mission to accomplish today.” Clearly Smith is already well versed in the officer skill of blindly saying yes to anything that comes down the pike, but come on, we all know this mission is garbage.

3. “We have reliable intelligence that the enemy is in a weakened state as the fighting season draws to a close.” Oh, really? Does ‘a weakened state’ simply mean that the local men might not pick up their weapons for the next few months, but then again they might? If so then, yes, weakened, we agree.

4. “Most dangerous course of action is that the enemy masses a fire team-plus and synchronizes small arms fire with the detonation of an improvised explosive device, which we will overcome with fire superiority.” Wrong. We would have accepted “enemy masses hundreds of fighters, synchronizes small arms, heavy machine gun and indirect fire to isolate and capture or kill one of our elements” or “Afghan ‘partner’ guns us all down before we leave the wire.”

5. “Order of movement will be second squad followed by third, then first.” Fuck, why is second always first? I mean, we know that the first squad leader has the navigational capability of, well, you, but come on!

6. “We’ll have a quick shura with the local elders.” There is no such thing as a quick shura. There is a shura where you politely talk about nothing for five hours and then they lie to you about what you need to know. There is also the abbreviated four hour version where they think you’re rude for cutting small talk short before asking them where the fuck the bad guys are.

7. “Gather intelligence on enemy disposition.” See above. We will gather lies and / or meaningless phrases from the men who would be fighting us themselves were they able-bodied.

8. “Our Afghan partners will clear all buildings prior to our entering the village.” There’s a recipe for success!

9. “We’ll need to make sure we initiate our movement back to base while we still have daylight.” WHY???

10. “Has anyone seen NODs? Things are green when you look through them.” OMG I can’t.

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Coast Guard

Marine recycled in Coast Guard sniper school for the fourth time

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JACKSONVILLE, Fla. – A reconnaissance Marine who graduated at the top of his Marine Corps sniper class has found an insurmountable challenge in the most unexpected place – Coast Guard sniper school, sources confirmed today.

Sgt. Charles Handcock, a 28-year-old Arkansas native, failed to successfully complete the school for the Coast Guard’s Precision Marksman Observer Team (PMOT) a total of three times and is now being given a fourth opportunity to complete the program.

“I know I have what it takes to measure up to these guys,” said Handcock. “But this course is the most challenging thing I have ever experienced in my entire military career.”

During the intensive 3-day course, trainees are taught basic precision techniques, including shooting from a prone position inside of a helicopter and how to shoot engines on maritime vehicles.

“It’s highly unusual for anyone to have difficulty with this course,” said Lt. John Ellsworth, commanding officer of the precision marksmen training program. “It’s clear that little fella is trying really hard, so we take pity on him and let him keep trying. But we just don’t compromise on standards in the Coast Guard. This isn’t the Army.”

Handcock reportedly had 93 confirmed targeting failures, which disappointed his classmates.

“All we really do is practice shooting boat engines,” said Petty Officer 3rd Class Emmitt Jones. “It really just ain’t that hard. This guy is simply not ready for dangerous missions close to shore. We want the guys who are ready to risk it all in U.S. ports and on calm territorial waters. We just aren’t seeing that level of dedication from this Marine.”

School officials announced they will allow Handcock to make another three attempts to complete the program. He will be sent back to his unit if he fails those attempts but can reapply after a mandatory one-year waiting period, which will provide him an opportunity to bring his skills on par with the Coast Guard’s high standards.

“Maybe he would do better sticking to Marine Corps spec op schools,” Lt. Ellsworth added. “They are more in line with his abilities and skill level.”

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Marine Corps

God forgets to capitalize ‘Marine’

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HEAVEN — Sources reported today that supreme Judeo-Christian deity God allegedly forgot to capitalize “Marine,” adding that the blunder was His “most egregious oversight since the creation of the mosquito, or maybe the e-cigarette — who knows — they’re both a blight on humanity.”

His Imminence had commanded the baking of a birthday cake for the Marines guarding His ethereal gates in order to commemorate their birthday as a Corps, according to celestial spokesangel, Metatron, Voice of God.

“Our Father, King of kings, seems to have had a most uncharacteristic lapse of divine judgement when leaving instructions for our heavenly baker,” Metatron stated.

“Far be it from me to cast the first stone, but I suspect some recent, heart-sundering events to be at fault,” he added. “No doubt the work of Lucifer.”

Indeed, according to correspondence between God, Holiest of Holies, and Betty Crocker, Divine Confectioner of the Cosmos, instructions to craft a celebratory dessert for the guardians of Heaven’s scenes included the painfully erroneous pronouncement, “Happy Birthday, marines!”

“Now, I know [God] has a lot on His plate, and we’re taught to forgive those who trespass against us, but I sure as heck am gonna have a hard time explaining this to Chesty,” said Reggie Sanford, Vice Commandant of the Marine Corps League, Eternal Division.

“Everybody knows that ‘Marine’ is a proper noun,” he nervously added.

While scholars tend to disagree on whether or not “god” should or should not be capitalized, there is unanimous consent within academic circles regarding the proper declaration of “Marine.”

“Jesus Christ, capitalizing ‘Marine’ is one of the most fundamental rules of grammar,” said professor emeritus Quincy Stacy, the Blissful Afterlife’s resident English expert.

“I have no comments for the record,” said Jesus Christ, begotten Son of God, washing His hands.

At press time, Chesty Puller had reportedly forgiven God, the Almighty, saying, “Yea, I am a kind and forgiving Legend, but lest none forget that the fist I wield is cast from the same iron as mine balls.”

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Marine Corps

Marine who says combat is a drug hasn’t tried either

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EVANSVILLE, Ind. — A Marine Corps lance corporal informed friends that he was deploying again because combat was like a drug, despite the fact that he has never tried drugs or combat, sources confirmed today.

Lance Cpl. Alex Grayson, the one Marine who joined without lying about trying pot, just once, likened his experiences in Kuwait two years ago as something addictive and wonderful, which he’s pretty sure drugs are.

“You know, roasting your first enemy is a lot like dropping your first joint,” Grayson told friends on home leave. “Combat? It’s terrifying, but then you just want to get back and and get the scores again, you know?”

“Man, Alex is really different since he joined the Corps,” said Brad Greiner, Alex’s best friend from high school. “He wouldn’t even try a beer in high school because he wasn’t 21 and didn’t want to disrespect the Marine Corps t-shirt he bought for himself in 10th grade.” Brad said as he took a deep drag from his joint.

Grayson told friends about his desire to “get a high off survival” over a round of drinks he paid for in anticipation of tax-free hazardous duty pay. “You just want that same upsy feeling again. That thing you can only get from like, ripping the shits in combat or utilizing drugs.”

It’s unclear where Grayson believes he experienced combat in his previous tour to Kuwait, where he mostly checked IDs at an entry control point. However, sources close to Grayson report, he watches Full Metal Jacket alone in his hooch at least once a week.

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Marine Corps

Rubber rifle finally gets confirmed kill

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CAMP PENDLETON, Calif. – The Marine Corps achieved another military first when a rubber training rifle—more commonly known as a “rubber duck”—achieved a confirmed kill, sources confirm today.

“I’ve trained hard for this moment from the beginning of my career, but it wasn’t my doing, it was the Marines around me and the circumstances that led to this moment,” the rifle told reporters after the historic occurrence.

While rubber ducks have non-fatally bludgeoned countless recruits and officer candidates during obstacle course events, and one forced an entire Air Force base into lock-down, none had previously killed anyone.

The base pool on Camp Pendleton was the scene of the fatal incident. Emergency first responders reported that a senior enlisted Marine drowned during swim qual after becoming disoriented when the rubber duck smacked him in the face.

“I rotated in the guy’s hands and butt-stroked him in the face,” the training aid later explained to its fellow inert weapons in the supply closet. “Then I got stuck on his pack and kneed him in the groin. He went down hard and swallowed a lot of pool water.”

The pool was closed for a safety stand-down for the next 48 hours, though a number of lance corporals snuck in after hours to examine the deadly duck. A box full of blue dummy grenades looked on in envy as the rubber rifle was hoisted aloft.

“We never get any real action,” the blue ball-shaped devices were overheard saying. “Sometimes the guys hold us for a bit and then toss one off, but we never explode.”

As of press time, the rifle was reportedly considering writing a book about the historic occasion titled “Rubber Ducky: Born to Kill.”

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