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SEAL Team’s Raid On Dr. Claw’s Mountain Fortress Stymied By Fake Arm, Old Timey Bomb

Penny does a search of Google Earth for Dr. Claw’s lair.

CARPATHIAN MOUNTAINS, ROMANIA — An elite team of Navy SEALs entered a mountain hideout in search of infamous Dr. Claw on Wednesday, but the team was befuddled when they quickly turned his chair around and found a fake arm attached to an old timey fuse bomb.

Dr. Claw, the arch-villain responsible for numerous international criminal enterprises, has been the subject of an intense decade-long international manhunt. The manhunt, headed by small group of dedicated intelligence officers, ran into numerous hiccups mainly due to the fumbling of its lead bionic inspector.

“I mean, shooting your head up twenty feet on an extendable neck is kinda neat, I guess. It does kind of make you stick out amongst the locals though,” said Chief Quimbly. “But that Gadget is a stand up fellow and he tends to get the job done; he did find the hideout, didn’t he?”

Unbeknownst to the Chief, Gadget’s niece Penny and her dog Brain played the crucial role in finding Dr. Claw’s hideout. Using a high-tech computer book and common sense, the pair gathered evidence while keeping Gadget out of trouble. Penny’s dedication often found her in empty storage containers wearing a head scarf and water-boarding detainees.

“I’m not your friend,” she once told a bound detainee. “I’m here to break you,” she added before stuffing a towel over his mouth and dousing it with water. “Talk!” she screamed.

Despite everyone’s best efforts, the investigation stagnated. That is, until Penny’s tireless search for a mysterious suspect yielded fruit. The suspect, Dr. Claw’s most trusted courier, led her to the discovery of a mountain fortress deep within the Carpathian Mountains.

Despite Penny’s assurances, higher-ups were slow to act. Through tenacity and writing messages on Quimby’s window with a sharpy, Penny finally convinced the Chief to call in the SEALs.

The SEALs trained for the raid in a remote outpost high in the Rocky Mountains. After nearly a month of simulation, the team boarded a stealth helicopter and deployed to the Carpathians under the cover of darkness. Touching down in near silence, the team took up fighting positions and blasted a way into the compound.

Clearing room after room, the SEALs found their way to the upper levels where Dr. Claw supposedly planned his nefarious deeds. Nearing the target doorway, a pair of SEALs crouched in the darkness and aimed their rifles at the door.

One whispered creepily in the darkness, “claw. . . claw. . . claw. . .”

The only response was a cat’s meow and a shuffle of feet. Their ploy having failed, the pair busted into Dr. Claw’s lair. In the center of the room sat a large, ominous chair from which a large metallic arm was visible. Thinking himself quite sneaky, one SEAL sprang forward and slipped a quick tie restraint around the wrist which caused the chair to swivel.

Instead of an international criminal, the chair only contained a fake arm and a comically round bomb with a lit fuse. The resulting explosion blackened the faces of all the SEALS present and afforded Dr. Claw time to escape.

Penny was later seen sobbing uncontrollably before boarding a military cargo plane to an unknown location.

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