Shocking DoD-Wide Smut Inspection Finds Bras, Panties In Female Barracks

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THE PENTAGON – A Pentagon-ordered inspection for inappropriate material in the workplace has turned up thousands of items of women’s underwear throughout the military, shocked sources confirmed.

Even more distressing to the all-male Joint Chiefs of Staff was that many females were found to be wearing a bra or panties at the time of the inspection.

“They just don’t get it,” said Adm. Jonathan W. Greenert, Chief of Naval Operations. “This is the stuff that makes a permissive environment for sexual harassment. It has no place on our females.”

Air Force Chief Gen Mark Welsh added “Just think of it. Piles and piles of panties. Some of them clean, some of them dirty… oh so dirty… filthy.. oh God.”

Following his remark,  Welsh fainted and required resuscitation.

Gen. Ray Odierno, Chief of Staff of the Army, concluded the press conference by bursting through his uniform, turning green and proclaiming “Odierno SMASH sexual assault! Puny panties no match for Chief of Staff!” then returning to his regular size of six foot three.

Reports from around the military describe late night inspections and zealous supervisors determined to root out any and all smut from military instillations.

“My Drill Sergeant came into my bay and started looking through our wall lockers. He got to the shelf where my underwear is and went ballistic,” said Private Jessica Moore, a trainee at Fort Leonard-Wood. “He tossed them in the middle of the floor and was screaming ‘Are there any more?’ I had on a pair so I stripped them off and tossed them on the pile.”

Airman Tracy Bree reported a similar instance at Joint Base Lackland.



“Our Senior Drill Instructor had us go into a supply closet with him one by one. First he asked if we had on any underwear. Then he told us to take it off in front of him, then put our uniform back on. I guess he had to fill out some paperwork because it was about ten minutes between inspections.”

Aboard the USS Nimitz, sailors reported a different approach. “We all had to stand on the deck while the Chiefs went through the bays,” said Seamen Rebecca Lenard. “We’re out there for over an hour when the elevator starts rising and there’s a big pile of undies on it. They made us dump them right into the ocean.”

“These filthy, unwholesome garments are available in every exchange, every Clothing and Sales, even some Shoppettes,” said Margaret Fairchild, president of Protestant Women Of The Chapel. “Do we really want to live in a world where women’s underwear is just sitting on the rack, inviting Satan into the minds of our young servicemen? And what about the children! Won’t someone think of the children?”

Former President Bill Clinton has agreed to lead a Commission on women’s underwear in the military. “Me and Secretary Hagel, we’re really going to look into this underwear thing,” said Clinton to reporters. “Feel around, poke around, get our hands dirty. Ain’t that right Chuck?”

Secretary Hagel did not give a statement, but stared off dejectedly into space. In a follow-up question, he confirmed that he was not thinking about harming himself or other people.

Clinton has encouraged all female service members to send their underwear stories to his Presidential Library in Arkansas. In a show of his commitment, he has agreed to allow personal deliveries to ensure confidentiality.

Courtney Massengale

Courtney Massengale is a distinguished graduate of USMA. His flanking maneuvers are perpetually better than those of his arch nemesis, Sam Damon. Courtney is in a loveless relationship with his wife of 94 years, Emily. While not scheming to destroy Damon, Courtney enjoys pointless meetings, criticizing others and twirling his mustache.