Deployed Submariner Wakes From Army Nightmare Juice Box August 16, 2013 Navy 19 Comments Follow Duffel Blog: PrevNextUse your ← → (arrow) keys to browse SAN DIEGO, CA – According to sources aboard Los Angeles-class submarine USS Asheville, the screaming in crew berthing moments ago was only Electronics Technician Second Class Brian Freeman having another bad dream he was in the Army. “It was horrible… awful,” Freeman said, forehead still damp with night sweat. “There was eye protection everywhere. I… I had just received orders to Fort Hood, and we hadn’t beaten Navy at football in decades!” “There, there,” said one of Freeman’s shipmates. “You’re here now, safe and sound on a tiny tin can where we’ve all got staph infections and haven’t seen the light of day in months.” “Thank GOD,” said Freeman, who truly couldn’t have it worse unless he was in the Army. The 26-year-old from Nebraska, who every day lives amidst ugly gray paint, tight passageways, and impossibly steep ladders; who smells of grease, is hideously pale, and has no privacy to speak of whatsoever began having nightmares he was in the Army after he met a couple of mournfully dull, irreversibly brainwashed soldiers just days prior to deploying with the Asheville. “I knew they were soldiers the moment I saw them,” Freeman said. “Nothing says Army Strong like terrible polos tucked into jeans with no belts at the bar.” “The one with the miserable flattop tried to engage me in conversation, and it was like staring into the void of death itself. Certainly makes a guy appreciate what he has, even if it’s just this low-oxygen, highly-irradiated metal tube.” Indeed, despite sharing a paper-thin mattress with three other guys, having once slept in the company of rickety torpedoes, and every second being literally one crewmember’s mistake away from certain death in the cold, black water surrounding his boat, Freeman says he simply can’t imagine anything more humiliating than being in a service that thinks so little of him he would be forced to wear a reflective belt on the walk from his car to the chow hall. At press time, sources confirmed the soulless soldier Freeman had met in the bar – who actually is stationed at Fort Hood – was frantically relieved to wake from a dream he was in the Air Force. “Jesus,” the painfully uninteresting man gasped. “I just don’t know what I’d do if I were a pussy.” Mitch Brummel says: February 26, 2014 at 12:55 AM Genius Erich Maria de Villiers says: February 26, 2014 at 12:55 AM BOAT PEOPLE. Jeremy Buker says: February 26, 2014 at 12:55 AM Brilliant! Frankie Roche says: February 26, 2014 at 12:55 AM the only thing that would make this story more believable is if it was a 26 year old ET3. Bravo Duffelblog! Josh Noble says: February 26, 2014 at 12:55 AM I thought he would have had a nightmare about being on a carrier, where we actually do things. You know, such as catapulting fighter jets in 120+ heat and being in full fucking view of Iranian missile operators in the gulf. We should all be so fucking lucky as this guy. I never thought satire would make me so angry when I know it’s satire. Submariners are all overrated hacks. Michael J. Horn says: February 26, 2014 at 12:55 AM I thought this was going to be a video portrayal of a combat soldier, perhaps an Airborne Infantryman, deployed in Afghanistan and engaged in a do-or-die firefight with the Taliban. Then, he wakes up in a cold sweat and is thanking God he joined the Navy and is safe 600 feet below the Pacific Ocean in an attack sub. Alexis McWilliams says: February 26, 2014 at 12:55 AM I would have understood this more had I had some experience with it. How about you, Martin Duuring? Cal Abel says: February 26, 2014 at 12:55 AM You forgot the sea foam green and pop rivets. Machinery grey is so last fall. Sheesh! Jeff Campbell says: February 26, 2014 at 12:55 AM Man, we USAF folks can’t get a break. Matt Stutzenburg says: February 26, 2014 at 12:55 AM When I went to join, my Father said “Join any branch you want, I don’t want you to feel any pressure because I was Navy…” That’s when I looked at Dad and said “Well, I love you, and no offense, but seriously, I want my feet on Terra Firma where I can actually fight back and not have to sit dreading what’s coming… Also, I want to learn how to actually FIGHT, which means the Navy is pretty much not even a remote consideration…” Daddy-O looked a bit stunned, but didn’t argue my point.. Very, very few Sailors AREN’T Combat Ineffective… Aaron Black says: February 26, 2014 at 12:55 AM I wonder if Cory Brown still wears his PT belt to and from his POV? Anonymous says: February 26, 2014 at 12:55 AM A simple Yank submariner couldn’t sleep when the lights were on because they were fluorescents. He used the official suggestion scheme. The US Navy spent millions changing to LED’s that were sourced which save thousands in energy costs and are silent. Will Filer Psyops NSA worth following. I do not knHalf time diversion: ow how true this is, you may know it is true or economical with the truth, but I thought, hey, maybe it all is a dream.? PS google my real name Tim Baber with Monarch Programming. That is what keeps me awake at night. Wattage? dunno. Kelly Wiebe says: February 26, 2014 at 12:55 AM When I was at Fort Meade I took a tour of a submarine moored in Baltimore(I forget the name) and…Uh…yeah, I’m glad I joined the Army. I’m 6’2′ and that thing was ergonomically UNSOUND for someone even as tall as I am. George J. Cooper says: February 26, 2014 at 12:55 AM O-6 Doug Kibbey says: February 26, 2014 at 12:55 AM I couldn’t believe this tortured sailor never got to the issue of field rations in his nightmare, but then I saw he was still active Navy. Kenneth Thorson says: February 26, 2014 at 12:55 AM Hahahaha… Bubbleheads… John William Boykin says: February 26, 2014 at 12:55 AM “There was eye protection everywhere.” I lost it there. I will not miss wearing eye pro. Thngs fogged up so bad, not even defogger could keep my vision clear. Roger Easley says: February 26, 2014 at 12:55 AM However, let it be known that most pussies get to sleep in fixed structures with beds and hot showers! Sometimes with real pussies! Duffy L. Sauers says: February 26, 2014 at 12:55 AM Well that put 20 years in the Army in perspective…I feel insecure, I better find my PT Belt.