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War On Terror Just Inception-Induced Dream Of Honduran Immigrant Named Jose

INCEPTION — Today, the modern American understanding of the global war on terror was shattered. While many Americans falsely believe the amorphous international conflict to be the result of the September 11th attacks by the terrorist organization Al Qaeda and the search for Weapons of Mass Destruction being produced by the Hussein regime — this understanding has proven incorrect.

The decade long War on Terror is actually taking place in the drug-riddled, sleeping mind of a Honduran immigrant named Jose Sepulveda.

“It’s really kind of eye opening,” said Private John Williams, a machine-gunner in the First Infantry Division. “But, to be honest, none of this shit made sense to me anyway.”

Sepulveda came to the United States seeking a better life for himself and his family of six. Two years ago, Jose left that family and set out for the land of opportunity. Traversing a dizzying array of terrains and troubles, he finally found himself in a small Mexican border town. Unfortunately, Jose fell victim to ruthless human traffickers commonly referred to as ‘coyotes.’

Coyotes, typically associated with the various drug cartels, prowl the Mexican/American border preying on would-be immigrants. Upon finding these unfortunates, the coyotes smuggle them over only to place them in a form of debt-slavery – using their families as collateral. Jose fell victim to these traffickers. Yet, he did not want to play by their rules.

The cartel was unaware that Jose’ had spent his youth as a partisan guerrilla fighting in the numerous conflicts which ravaged Central America. After going on a rampage which left 23 cartel members in various states of dismemberment in the streets of Tijuana, Sepulveda found himself in possession of one Benelli combat shotgun, a 1973 Oldsmobile, 23 kilos of pure cocaine, and a real bad attitude. After burying the cocaine in the desert of west Texas, Jose went to retrieve his family. He did not make it to Honduras.

Instead, the cartels cornered Jose’ in the back alley of a side street in downtown Havana. After forcing Jose’ into an unmarked white van, they inserted a needle into his arm and he drifted off to sleep.

At that moment, Jose found himself in a dense jungle surrounded by tree frogs and manticores.

“It was really strange, kinda felt like everything was wrong, and then some Sandinistas jumped out and threw a bag over my head. I felt a prick and kind of drifted off again,” Jose later reported.

“We were going for a dream-within-a-dream-within-a-dream kind of thing. You know, we just did not have enough time to find that blow. The boss was going to come down on us hard,” said a Cartel member who wished to remain anonymous. “After the jungle, we ended up in some forest with policemen chasing after us. Jose was holed up in a cave yelling about who fired first. He had a fucking bow and arrow that shot exploding arrows. I mean, we had not planned for this kind of shit.”

It took the cartel one last sleep inducing needle before Jose lapsed into a slightly less chaotic reality – a world wracked by wide-spread middle eastern conflict.

“We kind of lost him at that point. We really have no idea where he is,” said Juan Augusto, leader of the small band of cartel members which currently are holding Jose hostage in the real world.

Due to the relative nature of time within the dream-scape, it is unsure how much longer the War on Terror will proceed. Accordingly, President Obama has convened a special meeting of the Joint Chiefs of Staff to address the problem.

“We are facing a perpetual struggle in a hazardous environment which, apparently, is never going to end. This is kind of a revelation for us; no one really saw it coming,” said Obama during a press conference this morning. “We are just not sure how to handle it; But, we are taking positive action. I have asked the Joint Chiefs for more troops. I believe that another surge of manpower just might tip the scales in our favor.”

The rank and file of the American military have taken the news in stride. Specialist Johnson echoes a sentiment that many lower enlisted have expressed upon hearing the news, “I mean. This always was kind of a bad dream, wasn’t it? But whatever, I’ve got some shit to burn.”

Jose’s whereabouts are currently unknown, but sources within the Pentagon report that he may be hiding in the mountainous area of Pakistan or a Madrassa in Indonesia.

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Brandon Smith
Guest

What news piece did I miss?

Brian O'Rourke
Guest

Too soon. Shame on you.

Scott Longstaff
Guest

I knew it…

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