ARLINGTON, VA — Pentagon officials reacted strongly Monday to the season three premiere of the Showtime series Homeland, complaining that the portrayal of U.S. Marines is extremely offensive, as a spokesman claimed that no service member could marry a woman as hot as Morena Baccarin.
“This show is completely unrealistic,” said Capt. Wyatt Stoneburner. “Seriously, look at her. You think you can land a woman like that on a Sergeant’s salary? Hell no. You’re lucky if you can get a girl under 300 pounds.”
“Even worse, the show says they were high school sweethearts,” he added. “They would’ve been together since he enlisted. True love conquers all—except an E-1 paycheck. They should have met after he became a war hero or while he was walking around a third world country shouting ‘green card!’ I’d believe that in a heartbeat.”
“Do you know how hard it would be to date her?” Stoneburner asked. “She’s been every nerd’s dream girl since Firefly. You’d be fighting off geeks all day. Actually, that wouldn’t be that tough.”
“I don’t watch TV,” Vice Adm. John Vickers told reporters, “So when I heard about her I did an image search for ‘Morena Baccarin Homeland’ and there were tits on the first page. This is my kind of show.”
Vickers paused. “One of the recommended searches was ‘Morena Baccarin Feet.’ What the fuck, internet?”
Brig. Gen. Jane Beasley had another problem with the show.
“An enlisted Marine running for Congress?” Beasley asked, incredulous. “You think politicians have scandals? Brody’s a Marine. He’s done more in a single night than a Kennedy does in their entire life.”
“He’d make Boris Yeltsin look like a saint. The moment he announced his campaign there’d be a video of him eating the banana on YouTube. Being a secret Muslim would be the least of his concerns,” she added.