Michelle Obama Challenges Asma al-Assad To No-Holds-Barred WMD Cage Match
WASHINGTON, D.C. – First Lady Michelle Obama has challenged Asma al-Assad, wife of Syrian President Bashir al-Assad, to a sanctioned one night Pay-Per-View match for control of Syria’s Weapons of Mass Destruction (WMD).
“Asma al-Assad. Whatchagonnado when the Let’s Move! Coalition goes wild on YOU?” said the First Lady to television cameras broadcast worldwide. “I’ve been training for this day by eating healthy, being active and signing up for email newsletters about community events. And what have you been doing? Hiding in a bunker and not getting at least 30 minutes of exercise a day. WOOOH!”
Michelle Obama’s manager, Barack “The Bomba” Obama, stood by her side making exaggerated head nods and shouting “uh, Oooooh Yesssss!” as the First Lady spoke.
“That is why I am calling you out – next Saturday, in Geneva, Switzerland LIVE on Pay-Per-View – to enter the ring for control of your husband’s WMDs. No, cruise missiles, no chemical weapons, just you and me, sister, and the thousands of Let’s Move! Maniacs at home cheering me on, WOOOH!”
Asma al-Assad accepted the challenge in a videotaped message released on Al-Jazeera.
“To the so-called wife of Nobel coward Obama, I say to you that this fabulous body doesn’t need your pathetic American fat-girl guidelines to be ready. Assad 3:16 says ‘I will whip your ass’ and that’s the red line because Asma said so!”
Preparations are underway in Geneva to install the steel cage where the match will take place. Providing ringside commentary will be Foreign Policy’s Tommy “The Beard” Ricks and National Public Radio’s Nina “Tote Bag” Totenberg.
While both parties insist this will be a fair match, Vlad “The Mad” Putin has been seen in Geneva with a coffin, a steel chair, a boa constrictor, a 2x4 wrapped in barbed wire and multiple tables.
When asked for comment, White House spokesman Jay Carney said, “At least it isn’t Japan. We are confident the First Lady will return with both her ears.”