Bermuda Triangle Sailors Having Time Of Their Never-Ending Lives

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WATERS UNKNOWN – Describing every day as a bottomless trove of new and exciting opportunities, sailors aboard the frigate USS Simpson say they are getting the absolute most out of their deployment to the mysterious Bermuda Triangle.

“This is the kind of experience a sailor remembers for the rest of his life,” said Boatswain’s Mate Second Class Freddy Moore, referring to a theoretical future that will never come and, indeed, in this dimension, does not exist.

The Simpson, according to US Navy officials, went missing from the temporal world last February while conducting counter-drug operations in and around the Caribbean Sea. After an extensive but fruitless six-month search, the Navy officially declared the ship and its roughly 200-man crew lost at sea.

Any tragedy is surely lost, though, on Boatswain’s Mate Chief Derek Potters, who says he can’t imagine anything more rewarding than watching the young sailors in his charge grow into the men that they’ll never technically become.

“These boys have taken huge steps forward in line handling, damage control, and ship maintenance,” Potters said, repeating the exact claim he made yesterday and that he’ll repeat again tomorrow and on into infinitum.

“Takes me back to when I was their age,” Potters added, remarking at how quickly time flies, which, here, it in fact doesn’t.

According to navigator Lt. Allen Clark, the Simpson has also been blessed with amazingly calm waters and no navigational obstacles to speak of. “We’ve caught the smooth sailing most guys in my position only dream of,” Clark said, happily drawing a straight line through the middle of an entirely blank navigational chart and looking out towards the truly endless horizon.

While the vast majority of the Simpson’s crew members affirm they are having the time of their eternal lives, not everybody onboard shares their enthusiasm.

“To be honest, this shit all feels a lot like that movie Groundhog Day to me,” said a bored Engineman First Class Jordan O’Brian. “But I suppose that’s just deployment for you.”

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