███████, VA – A Virginia restaurant has won plaudits by critics for its incredibly realistic depiction of a modern intelligence facility, as well as its mouth-watering ████████████, which according to foodies is the best in the DC area.
The restaurant, known as “Five Eyes: ████████████ and Fries” operates at an undisclosed location in ███████, just off of Route ██. “It’s a slam dunk!” reads an autographed picture at the entrance by former CIA director George Tenet, next to one of deputy NSA director John Inglis saying, “I’ve never heard of a better place.”
Tenet and Inglis are just two of several prominent intelligence officials, along with ███████████████ and ███████████████, who are famous patrons of the establishment.
True to its theme, reservations at Five Eyes are required several weeks in advance and customers must be on the access list, in addition to signing a non-disclosure agreement before entering the restaurant. A helpful sign reminds them to display their ████████ badges at all times and that use of the silverware constitutes consent to monitoring.
Customers must also be read-in to the appetizer, salad, and dessert menus, as well as the world-famous ████████████ prior to placing their orders. Cell phones are not permitted and unauthorized conversations can lead to customers having their menus revoked. Wine lists are issued only on a need-to-know basis.
Takeout is currently available with the permission of the Special Security Officer; otherwise, food can be delivered in a plastic garbage bag, taped to the underside of a footbridge in ████████ Park.
Five Eyes was originally part of a worldwide chain of restaurants in ████████ and █████████, most of which closed after customers complained that the staff would just force feed them whatever they wanted to eat the week before.
Although this particular outlet has been operating in Virginia for several decades, its existence only came to the public’s attention in 2009 following an unauthorized review by disgruntled Army Private ███████████████ who declared “I would rather eat prison food than this crap.”
There have been other complaints as well. Cuisine from New Zealand is sometimes arbitrarily removed from the menu, and in 2001, the head chef was fired after management discovered he’d been secretly working part-time for a nearby Russian competitor.
Staff are also notorious for quitting their jobs there, only to be rehired as contractors from ██████████ at outrageous salaries.
Some staff members have confirmed that the restaurant did have a serious problem in the past with what they called “spillage,” caused by waiters dumping secret ingredients on various customers, but have insisted that this in no way affects the ████████████.
According to a recent view by Zagat, while the ████████████ may have suffered an over-classification, it was never overdone and is well worth your ████████████, even out of season. Chef ████████████████████ has confirmed that the secret ingredient to ████████████ is also, of course, classified and will not be made public for another 25 years.
The restaurant’s management are pleased with the recent positive publicity, following accusations in 2012 that they were just ordering all their food from open-source restaurants and then classifying it. They have also tried to attract a more posh clientele by instituting a mandatory dress code, suggested by DIA director Lt. Gen. Michael Flynn.