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WASHINGTON, DC — Veterans groups are up in arms, figuratively speaking, over a new Department of Education pamphlet provocatively entitled “What To Do When The Veteran In Your Classroom Attempts A Mass Shooting.”

The pamphlet is part of a new series of educational tools designed to help teachers cope with the rise of armed attacks in schools.

It follows similar instructional products like “What To Do When The Hispanic In Your Classroom Attempts A Mass Shooting,” “What To Do When The Gay Student In Your Classroom Attempts A Mass Shooting,” and “What To Do When The Special-Needs Child In Your Classroom Attempts A Mass Shooting.”

It offers a series of escalating steps, designed to help other students disarm the shooter or prevent serious bodily harm from occurring.

A spokesman for the Veterans of Foreign Wars described the pamphlet as “incredibly insulting.”

“The suggestion that all veterans are PTSD-crazed cauldrons of rage is completely inaccurate,” said Alan Smalls. “IT MAKES ME SO GODDAMNED ANGRY I JUST WANT TO … relax, just relax,” he said, slowly exhaling while gripping his desk.

Despite the controversy, the Department of Education is standing by their work. A spokesman even pointed out that its veteran shooter pamphlet was written by a retired Marine “Gunner,” a specialist in infantry tactics and weapons systems.

“The first thing is not to panic,” the pamphlet begins. “The fact that this asshole isn’t working for Academi or Triple Canopy probably means he can’t hit the broadside of a barn.”

It offers other helpful tips, such as:

  • Immediately say that someone needs to volunteer for a working party or to fill in for the Duty NCO. This alone should manage to stop the shooting spree in its tracks as the veteran dives out the window.
  • Tell the veteran that his stance and grip are incorrect, and that he cannot properly engage targets until he assumes the basic warrior stance and recites the six safety rules.
  • Immediately yell, “Cease fire! Cease fire! Unload, show clear!” This may buy you a few seconds to exit the room. The PA system usually works best in this situation.
  • Demand that the veteran produce his range safety officer card; if he can’t, loudly complain that the range is shut down and he can’t fire until tomorrow.
  • If he somehow does have a range safety card, which may occur if you are facing a crazed range control officer, demand a range safety card from this specific university. You can also slow him down by demanding that he put up a range flag, produce a copy of the order and regulation that allows him to shoot, or get at least one radio check from range control.
  • Six words: mandatory Operational Risk Management assessment matrix.
  • Don’t forget to prominently display signs in your classroom requiring a medic or corpsman to be present before any shooting occurs. This will not work if your shooter is a disgruntled medic or corpsman.
  • Tell him his weapon is disgracefully filthy and he needs to clean it at the armory right away.
  • If escape is impractical, one of your students should be designated as the Fake Sergeant Major. This student should immediately confront the shooter and demand that he go out into the parking lot and police call cigarette butts.
  • As a last resort, if the veteran should shoot the fake Sergeant Major, someone should immediately say, “Oh man, the division Sergeant Major is going to be here in an hour. You hide the body while we police call the parking lot for cigarette butts.”
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