LANGLEY, Va. – Startled employees of the Central Intelligence Agency discovered this morning that Lee Harvey Oswald had been quietly added to the memorial wall at CIA Headquarters. Oswald is widely believed to have assassinated U.S. President John F. Kennedy, or someone dressed like him, in Dallas in 1963.
The action does not appear to have been a prank. As of press time the extra star was still there, along with Oswald’s name listed in the memorial book, located between entries for fallen agents Felix Leiter and Charles Calthrop.
A spokesman from the CIA refused to comment or elaborate on why the agency has added Oswald’s name to the memorial, only saying that after 50 years several documents had been declassified, which have “finally allowed the Agency to set the record straight.”
The documents will be made available to the general public in another twenty years.
Without any further information, CIA analysts were confused about what the action meant.
“So wait, does that mean that the CIA was involved in the Kennedy assassination, or that Oswald just happened to be working for them at the time and got caught up in the dragnet, or what?” complained analyst Dean Paulino. “You can’t just do something like this and not explain it further!”
Oswald’s alleged CIA connections date back to his time as a junior-enlisted radar operator in the Marines during the 1950s, when he was identified as an ideal candidate for covert intelligence work due to his nonjudicial punishment for assaulting a staff noncommissioned officer and his habit of negligent discharges while handling weapons.
Conspiracy theorists are divided about what the CIA’s actions mean; some have argued that this new revelation changes everything, while others have argued it doesn’t change a thing.
“I think the CIA’s admission that Oswald was killed on an agency mission finally proves there was government involvement in the Kennedy assassination,” explained conspiracy theorist Reuben Harris.
Harris, who has already authored Who Cares? Why the Kennedy Assassination Only Matters To People Over Sixty, is writing a new book suggesting that the U.S. government killed Kennedy after he discovered their future plans to fake the moon landings and attack the World Trade Center.
Other theorists disagree, suggesting that Oswald was always a red herring.
“We’ve long suspected that Lee Harvey Oswald was actually killed in 1959 while leading an undercover CIA mission in Cuba against the Castro government,” explained theorist Fred Gordon. “We believe that the individual arrested on November 22, 1963 was actually a KGB assassin trained to impersonate Oswald by the Mafia as part of a false flag operation.”
“Still, we’re happy to see that the CIA is finally coming clean, kinda sorta.”
A group of conspiracy theorists, led by Oliver Stone, have already demanded an internal government investigation, which they peremptorily condemned as a complete whitewash.