SMALL TOWN, USA — Saying the war on terror has dragged on too long and it’s no longer necessary that our troops be deployed to war zones, citizens across the nation demanded that all military personnel be returned to the United States immediately, but oh shit—wait a minute, the game is back on.
“These guys have been out there too long and endured too much hell in these places, and I mean, it’s Thanksgiving,” said local man Evan McMasters. “They should be enjoying this day with their famil—oh! WHOA! Did you see that catch? Unbelievable!”
Dozens of citizens took to the streets to protest wars they say have “dragged on for too long” as millions more honored the troops by watching the NFL football games and leaving the room for more turkey, gravy, and that “absolutely delicious stuffing” right as the promo featuring deployed soldiers began.
“Let’s face it, we’ve been at war too long,” said Alaina McAllister, a local schoolteacher who has never actually been at war. “I admire the troops. I wish they could be here to enjoy this fantastic pumpkin pie. And this apple one is so good too. Do you want some vanilla ice cream on the side or are you good?”
At press time, the nation’s citizens had gotten seconds and started debating with their uncle over whether this country “has gone straight to hell.”