Obama Orders ‘Tech Surge’ Of Programmers From AKO, DTS To Fix HealthCare.gov
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Under increasing fire after the disastrous launch of HealthCare.gov, the Obama administration announced Monday it would call upon the best technicians in the Defense Department to fix the Obamacare website, sources confirmed.
"We have called the best technicians from AKO, DTS, and DCGS-A to lend their expertise in fixing this site," Obama said in a statement.
The Defense Department is known for employing a vast array of programmers — creators of Army Knowledge Online, Defense Travel Service, Distributed Common Ground System - Army, and MyPay — who work from a small room in the Pentagon basement across from Satan's military attaché office.
"You know, I have a lot of experience building websites in Geocities, and I brought that expertise to AKO," said Neil Akers, an Army systems administrator with a prestigious Homeland Security degree from Everest University. "People have a lot of concerns about their personal information, so we've decided to require CAC-enabled security to log in," referring to the microchip-enabled cards carried solely by U.S. military personnel.
"You guys all have CAC cards, right?"
Technicians from the Defense Travel System (DTS) website are also lending their talents to upgrading HealthCare.gov. Changes include more pages that users need to go through for a "streamlined" signup process, and weeks-long downtime put in as an innovative new feature.
DTS already gets rave reviews from troops overseas who use the websites to submit travel claims for expense reimbursement.
"Apparently, the DTS website gave me an itinerary, but forgot to issue the ticket," said one service member in Germany trying to travel back to the United States. "Now, I'm stuck drinking beer in the Munich Airport. Best TDY ever ... thanks, DTS!"
"I'm going to get reimbursed for this, right?" he asked.
The decision has some Republicans praising the president for his leadership.
"You know, I've built a lot of websites in my day, so I was a little skeptical to see the team from DCGS-A working on the HealthCare.gov site," said Rep. Duncan Hunter (R-Calif.). "But, fortunately, Gen. Odierno, uh, 'explained' to me how wonderful DCGS-A really is."
Hunter also added that he would be glad to call Navy-Marine Corps Intranet (NMCI) techs to pitch in if necessary.