BAGRAM, AFGHANISTAN — A top secret weapons development program has been scrapped after countless allegations of misconduct and numerous injuries were sustained by soldiers and Marines in Afghanistan, Duffel Blog has learned.
Dubbed “The Lightsaber,” the weapon (nomenclature MR2D2) was a near perfect imitation of those carried by Jedi Knights in the iconic Star Wars movies.
“Even with having the most professional military in the world,” said Pentagon spokesman George Little, “we did not anticipate the unintended consequences. Apparently, when you give soldiers a weapon they’ve dreamed about their entire lives, their intelligence drops to the level of a retarded monkey.”
While the original intent behind the program was to provide a new, stealthy device for entry into suspected insurgent hideouts, the program quickly descended into chaos when infantry and special operations units were given lightsabers to test on the battlefield.
Less than 30 minutes after being issued the new weapon, one soldier severed his hand reenacting the infamous “Star Wars kid” YouTube video. Another had his confiscated for sketching sexually explicit images on the side of concrete bunkers and two Marines were arrested for poking lightsaber peep holes into female showers.
“What were they thinking?” said Capt. John Douglas. “My infantry company is now at 50 percent strength. Every single one of my soldiers took a brain dump. Even my first sergeant, who’s a huge Star Wars and 2Pac fan, wanted me to brand his arm with ‘Jedi 4 life.'”
While most incidents have not been officially reported as officers scramble to salvage their careers, rumors have circulated to the most egregious uses by service members.
One special forces soldier was caught trimming his beard, a group of soldiers held a lightsaber jousting tournament using donkeys and a Marine was flown to Germany for surgery after joking to a female, “is that a lightsaber in my pocket or am I just happy to see you?”
Despite being carried on numerous missions, the lightsaber was never once used for its intended purpose. Allegations of detainee abuse have surfaced after special forces raided a suspected IED bomb makers house and threatened to ‘Dooku his ass.’
The test program — which was supposed to last three months — was pulled less than 36 hours later. The final nail in the coffin came when Private Derrick Jones asked a seemingly innocent question.
“Dude,” said Jones. “Do you think I could block a bullet?”