MALIBU, CA — Saying that he’s so glad to be home after suffering extreme hardships while on the backlot of his latest combat tour, actor Tom Cruise has returned to Malibu after enduring nearly 40 deployments, sources confirmed today.
“Oh boy that last movie was brutal. Brutal,” said Cruise, who endures the same post-traumatic stress disorder as people who watched him in the film Vanilla Sky. “Oblivion was just like a war zone. I felt like I could have been killed at any moment.”
Sources confirmed that Cruise, who has a net worth of roughly $270 million, patrolled the dangerous streets of the Relativity Media backlot daily and was awarded his fourth Purple Heart medal for stubbing his toe last month while in his trailer.
“We lost a lot of good takes out there,” said James Elwood, his stunt double.
The City of Malibu announced a homecoming ticker-tape parade to celebrate his return on Monday, and the Department of Veterans Affairs had approved the disability claim he submitted years ago for depression caused by viewing the film Lions for Lambs.
“It’s just been really rough out here and it’s good to be back,” Cruise told reporters. “I feel like I just got back from flying a cargo plane full of rubber dogshit out of Hong Kong.”
At press time, the U.S. Army had awarded Cruise with an honorary Silver Star (with V for vagina) and an expert infantryman badge.