0-11 Army Football Team Excited to Finish Most Consistent Season Yet
Weeks ahead of the infamous Army-Navy game on Saturday, Dec. 14, Duffel Blog reporters embedded with the Army Black Knights at their game against Western Kentucky to give you a behind-the-scenes look at the strategy behind their incredible season and some insight into what you may see against Navy.
WEST POINT — The referee’s whistle marks the scoring of another touchdown as the West Point Black Knights gave up another six points. Thousands of grimacing cadets clad in chafing wool stood in the bleachers at Michie Stadium, their feeble cheers silenced as Western Kentucky went up 14-0 over Army at 13:50 in the first quarter.
In the West Point locker room at halftime, the mood was contrarily enthusiastic.
“This is the most reliable I’ve ever seen you guys out there!” West Point coach Rich Ellerson applauded his ebullient charges. “Not since we had that one quarterback cheat on a history paper by copy-pasting from Wikipedia have the Black Knights acquitted themselves so well on the field of honor!”
The Black Knights have effortlessly racked up an impressive record this year against such notorious football powerhouses as Morgan State, Wake Forest, and Brooklyn High School, all losses witnessed by the transfixed eyes of West Point cadets mandated to attend the athletic farces.
“All cadets love football and simply wouldn’t know what to do with their spare time if I didn’t force them to spend their Saturdays standing and chanting instead of working on their homework,” explained West Point Superintendent Lt. Gen. Robert Caslen to Duffel Blog. “And I won’t hear anyone saying anything opposing. Next cadet I hear complaining about our vital football team will be scrubbing out Central Area with a toothbrush.”
“Turning two of our three-day weekends this fall into obligatory football programming has certainly given me something to do,” confided senior cadet Mark Witherspoon as he stamped his freezing feet on the cold bleachers. “This way I don’t need to worry about anything important that might distract me from the bleak hell of West Point like beer or girls.”
While Cadet Witherspoon confirmed a busy schedule — with every waking moment taken up by class, practice, sleep, or being metaphorically sodomized — his spirits were truly bright.
“Not the idiotic cheerleaders we have or the stupid motivational videos they force us to watch have any impact on our crushed spirits,” he said. “We have truly descended to a new level of agony.”
Sources confirm formations held an hour prior to football games to prevent cadets from sneaking off has brought the Corps to a new level of professionalism.
“It looks marvelous on TV to have the whole contingent of cadets packed like gray cattle in the windiest corner of the stadium, hurrahing as the opponent returns another fumble for a touchdown and their lead widens to triple digits,” said Gen. Caslan. “I’m going to give Coach Ellerson a raise for this year’s performance!”
Back at the game, as Western Kentucky put in their third-strings after scoring their seventh touchdown of the game, cadets attempting to tactically place themselves near the exits were driven back into their seats by officers acting like Soviet commissars defending Stalingrad.
“You will stay in position and you will cheer for the Black Knights!” roared Maj. Kenneth Wood, Company J-2 Tactical Officer. “Deserters will be shot!”
A recent survey commissioned by Duffel Blog showed that nine out of 10 cadets would prefer to take a bullet rather than suffer the long, slow, perishing death by a combination of hypothermia, atrocious football, and an overabundance of school spirit.
“This has been such a great year,” Coach Ellerson said. “Now we just need to lose to Navy and our perfect season will be complete!”