ROUTE TAMPA, IRAQ — Troops with the 505th Transportation Battalion conducting convey security operations found an object nearly two years ago that appeared to be an IED and requested an Explosive Ordinance Disposal (EOD) Team, but sources confirmed Monday they are beginning to wonder if the EOD team they requested will ever show up.
Unofficially coined Camp Hope, Convoy Commander Sgt. First Class Fernando Perdido has presided for 23 months and 6 days over a scene that could be taken directly from the movie Deliverance. Remaining optimistic, he reassures his troops with a steady mantra: “They should be here any time now.”
Perdido, very familiar with the lengthy times associated with EOD response, laughs off any naysayer who may somehow “know” that nobody is coming. “They’re probably just finishing a ‘Stairway To Heaven’ Solo on Guitar Hero,” retorts Perdido.
Members of the battalion are adamant about not violating their 1st General Order to “Guard everything within the limits of my post and quit my post only when properly relieved.” The unit insists they are there to stay until EOD arrives.
As time has dragged on, Iraqis have begun to grow irate about their road being shut-down and are making attempts to drive around the cordon. Those who have tried have been met with a barrage of bullets from Corporal Jonathan Spark’s .50 caliber machine gun.
“We can’t have these people driving around here getting all blowed up by an IED, that just doesn’t make sense,” said a smiling Sparks. To date Sparks has a total of 700 vehicular kills, surpassing the world record previously held by Robosaurus.
After running out of their initial supplies, troops with the 505th began taking supplies from the trucks they were charged with guarding. Needing shelter from the elements they began to move into CHUs being transported, and siphoned gas from fuel tankers for electrical generation. The seemingly endless supply of MREs that have an infinite shelf life over time became their main source of food.
About a year ago, a semblance of an actual military camp began to take shape, resulting in the local hobus bread man setting up shop near the convoy. An entire souk started to grow up around the convoy forcing KBR to move in and set up a Burger King.
Soldiers living at Camp Hope even began marrying each other by services officiated by the unit’s chaplain, this in turn resulted in families taking roots at Camp Hope after the birth of the first children.
Most soldiers reply with laughter when asked if anyone has ever tried leaving, although they do like to make fun of Sgt. Theresa Vail, a soldier they call a “complete loser” who left after hitching a ride with passing convoy months ago.
Duffel Blog reporters tried to explain that the war in Iraq was over, but that too was laughed off. At press time, Camp Hope was still waiting for EOD to show up.