The following was written by Duffel Blog special correspondent Ahmed ibn Muhammed ibn Muhammed Bashir Muhammed, a resident of Mosul, Iraq.
Hello America, are you there? It’s me, Ahmed ibn Muhammed ibn Muhammed Bashir Muhammed. I just wanted to write you a letter of appreciation. I don’t think I ever got around to it while you guys were here. Do you remember the wall separating my living room from my kitchen? No? Trust me, it really messed up the feng-shui of the house.
I just wanted to say how much I appreciate the free remodeling you guys provided. It’s really opened things up, now I have so much more room, the space really breathes! I wish you could’ve left the front of the house intact, but I understand it’s hard to have such precision with a Bradley.
Speaking of the Bradley, do you remember that time you ran over my car? It was hilarious! The whole neighborhood had a good laugh! It’s OK though, that white and orange car was a piece of shit, it was like everyone here drove one. Now I have a nice new bicycle I found in the trash to ride to work.
Do you remember my uncle Ahmed Bashir Muhammed Muhammed? I’d rather forget him. He would come over to my parent’s house when I was younger and he would play “the Prophet and his child bride Khadijha.” Luckily he disappeared one night and I haven’t seen him since. I hope he’s moved on to a warm and sunny place, maybe in the Caribbean.
Well, that’s about all I wanted to say. I just wanted to let you know how much I appreciated the little things. Of course everyone thanks you for overthrowing Saddam — let me tell you — that guy was a piece of work. Life is so much better now that we have the excitement of random bombings and religious killings.
If only there had been an option for you guys to stay, something like a Status of Forces Agreement that our Prime Minister could have signed. One that would’ve continued your presence here! Maybe then our police wouldn’t be driving around drinking whiskey and smoking hash while on patrol.
I’m just kidding, the Iraqi Police are a beacon of integrity in Iraq. I just hope you guys don’t worry too much about us, we’ll be just fine! After all, you did pour billions of dollars into our country, and we couldn’t be more thankful!