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72 Black-Eyed Virgins Still Waiting To Give It Up

AL JANNAH (Islamic Heaven) —  Making a claim sure to confound many Islamic extremists back in the world of mere mortals, 72 dark-eyed virgins came forward this week to announce they’re still impatiently lounging about this divine garden paradise while restlessly waiting to “get the turf tapped” for the very first time.

The virgins — or houri as referred to in the Quran — allege that they have yet to receive even just one sensual and well-endowed martyr to teach them the ways of love, despite what they say have been sporadic promises that date as far back as the Fulani War of the early 1800s, and which have become much more frequent since 9/11.

“All day long we just lie in bed beneath this pearl, aquamarine, and ruby-decorated dome, longing for our jihadi prince to arrive and embrace our modest gaze,” said Fareiba, a nymph of lovely eyes and pure being who spoke on behalf of her 71 fellow houri during a press availability with Al Jazeera earlier in the week.

“If only a single Mujahideen warrior who died so nobly in the eyes of Allah while slaughtering the infidels could finally make his journey here and lead us down the path of sensual ecstasy,” Fareiba continued, “then maybe me and the girls would be able to turn off these ‘Shahs of Sunset’ reruns and finally get this  72-on-one, reverse-virgin gang bang started.”

“I mean, seriously, what could be taking so long?”

At press time, the houri were reporting that they still hadn’t gotten any.

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[…] the statement goes on, “it’s now apparent that the chance of martyring one’s self for 72 black-eyed virgins is no match for a blinged-out Escalade, some Truck Nutz, and pair of hookers with actual black […]

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[…] only will your family receive a $25,000 bonus upon signing, but you’ll also have 72 black-eyed ones and boy servants blessed with eternal youth. Doesn’t that sound much better than any sort of […]

Jill Ireland
Guest
2 years 3 months ago

Never could understand the appeal for the ladies, really. I’m sure the shopping is great and the grapes are tasty but geez. And um, does each individual get 72, or are there only 72 houri job openings total? DB always gets me pondering weighty matters and I am grateful…

Martha Finney
Guest
2 years 6 months ago

This article reminds me of THIS article from The Onion the week after 9/11;

http://www.theonion.com/articles/hijackers-surprised-to-find-selves-in-hell,1445/

Duffy L. Sauers
Guest
2 years 6 months ago

Tough for the 72 Ladies, their intended all opted for the Dancing Boys.

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