CIA Agent Dennis Rodman Fails In Kim Jong-un Assassination Attempt
WASHINGTON — In a startling development, emails leaked from the Central Intelligence Agency have revealed what many in the intelligence community have been whispering: Former NBA star Dennis Rodman’s recent “basketball diplomacy” trip to North Korea was actually a CIA mission to assassinate Kim Jong-un.
“The plan was that U.S. military units would be ready to roll north across the DMZ as soon as they got wind that the mission was successful,” said a senior intelligence official. “We spent years secretly coordinating with top North Korean generals to stand their divisions down and hand us the keys to their chemical weapons. But like usual, Rodman had to screw it up. Now his cover is blown and years of effort are wasted.”
Sources confirmed that Mr. Rodman’s trip to North Korea was in reality a high-risk covert operation, possibly even a suicide mission, targeting Kim for assassination.
According to government documents, Rodman planned to assassinate the dictator at his birthday basketball exhibition game. The basketball star was later recorded by spy cameras in his hotel room practicing knife throwing and rehearsing the line, “Barack sends his regards, motherfucka!”
Unfortunately, Rodman had too much to drink the morning of the game and appeared to lose his nerve at the last minute, breaking down in tears before the match began. “It had been a very stressful day. I had been drinking,” he said in a statement, released by his CIA handlers.
Duffel Blog was unable to contact North Korean authorities for comment about the incident or confirm Rodman’s current whereabouts. A CIA spokesman was similarly unhelpful, stating that the agency “can neither confirm nor deny the status or identities of our operatives.”