Judge To Justin Bieber: Join The Marine Corps Or Go To Jail

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MIAMI — A Miami judge is giving troubled pop star Justin Bieber a choice in punishment following his arrest on Thursday: Join the Marine Corps or go to jail.

Bieber faces charges of drunk driving, resisting arrest, and driving without a license. He also reportedly refused to cooperate with officers on the scene and used “choice words” when police tried to question him and administer a cursory pat down and field sobriety test.

Judge Joseph Farina reviewed the charges and the arrest report which details a litany of belligerence and profanity directed at police. “I ain’t got no f—— weapons,” the report quotes Bieber as saying. “Why do you have to search me? What the f— is this about?”

Bieber, a 19-year-old who was tragically discovered after posting a video to Youtube of himself, may soon be joining the ranks of Marine recruits.

“You milquetoast Canadian entertainers think you can come down here and have the run of the place don’t you?” said Judge Farina. “Well, you’ve finally crossed the line sir. You want to know what this is about? It’s about consequences now. You don’t have any weapons? Well, you’re about to.”



The Judge then offered the teenage pop star a choice. He could serve time in a Miami jail followed by deportation to Canada or Guantanamo Bay, or he could report to Marine Corps Recruit Depot, Parris Island for recruit training.

“This is really a terrible choice either way,” said Katherine Merriman, an attorney following the case. “This puts Bieber in the position of choosing between terrible treatment in prison from criminals or terrible treatment in the Marine Corps by lance criminals and senior staff.”

A stunned Bieber was escorted from the hearing accompanied by Miami police. He has one week to decide what he’d like to do.

Fans gathered outside Bieber’s Long Beach mansion expressed guarded support for the singer.

“I know he will be, like, a totally awesome Marine soldier,” said Tiffani Liebgott, 15, “and will look totally hot with that green beret!”

“Yeah,” agreed her friend, Melani Carson, also 15, “and they also carry those sexy swords like in those commercials. Hashtag ‘the hotness,’” she added, actually saying aloud the word “hashtag.”

Upon hearing the news, Drill Instructors at Parris Island were reportedly having difficulty properly wearing their uniform trousers over their enormous erections.

Paul and Dick Scuttlebutt also contributed reporting.

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