Juggalos Get Pentagon OK To Wear Religious Face Paint In Uniform

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WASHINGTON – Soon after last week’s announcement allowing beards, turbans, and other religious clothing and body art while in military uniform, the Department of Defense amended its policy to include the traditional face paint worn by members of the Juggalo religion, Duffel Blog has learned.

“The new regulations will make it more attractive for potential Juggalo recruits to join the military ranks,” Brigadier Gen. John P. Horner, Commander of the Air Force Recruiting Service said in a statement, while also noting optimism regarding diversity. “As the repeal of DADT opened the closet door for LGBT service members, this policy amendment will open the [clown] car door for Juggalos.”

Juggalos are a small minority religion comprising approximately 33% of all Caucasian E-4 and below military members, and 0.02% of Caucasian members E-5 and above.  Juggalos follow the teachings of The Insane Clown Posse, or ICP.  Their religious doctrine is parsed out into ‘songs’ and released to the congregants in collections known as ‘JokerCards’ such as The Mighty Death Pop!

Commander John ‘Murdah Klown’ Williams, the Navy’s first Juggalo Chaplain, said that he was elated by the decision.

“Juggalos have a deep and sincere belief in ICP, and accommodations for our religious expression have thus far been denied,” Williams told reporters. “It’s a watershed moment for muthafuckin tolerance and equality.”

Williams travels around the Navy performing Juggalo wedding services, funerals, axe sharpenings, and Faygo anointment to the Juggalo faithful.

“It’s gratifying to know that our religious garb is going to be treated with the same deference and respect as those funny little [Jewish] beanies and those stupid [turbans] those sick [sic] [Sikhs] are wearing over there.”

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