THE PENTAGON — Defense Secretary Chuck Hagel announced today that all computers on government networks would receive a browser upgrade to Internet Explorer 4.0 in the coming weeks.

“We realize as an institution we need to move with the times when it comes to technology,” Hagel told reporters in a press conference. “So we’ll be giving our service members and civilian employees the very best on their workstations.”

The advanced internet browser from Microsoft, known for displaying Geocities websites at lightning speed, will replace the aging Netscape Navigator 6 browser, which has been in use since 1998.

While all military branches should be online with the new browser by February, Hagel said, it will be on the individual service chiefs to implement the upgrade, at a total cost of roughly $280 billion.

Air Force officials confirmed they would be upgrading to Mozilla Firefox instead at an added cost of $3 trillion, while Army and Navy has confirmed its intention to go with Internet Explorer 4.

“Apparently we’re getting this web browser called DOS as a hand-me-down from the Army,” said Marine Commandant Gen. James Amos. “God I should’ve joined the fucking Air Force.”

The change hasn’t been without its critics, which include some in senior leadership positions who once took a two-week class on how to check their email in 2001.

“I’ll tell you what, this is total bullshit,” said Army Command Sgt. Maj. Leon Johnston. “Just when you think you figure everything out, they gotta go and change all my whizbangs and gizmos.”

Senior Pentagon officials confirmed the steep price of the upgrade, but assured reporters that they had actually saved $400 billion by just pirating 2 million copies.

Don't miss the next story.
Get the latest news and alerts from Duffel Blog delivered to your inbox—free.