Pentagon Announces Upgrade Of Military Web Browsers To Internet Explorer 4.0 Paul January 24, 2014 The Pentagon 12 Comments THE PENTAGON — Defense Secretary Chuck Hagel announced today that all computers on government networks would receive a browser upgrade to Internet Explorer 4.0 in the coming weeks. “We realize as an institution we need to move with the times when it comes to technology,” Hagel told reporters in a press conference. “So we’ll be giving our service members and civilian employees the very best on their workstations.” The advanced internet browser from Microsoft, known for displaying Geocities websites at lightning speed, will replace the aging Netscape Navigator 6 browser, which has been in use since 1998. While all military branches should be online with the new browser by February, Hagel said, it will be on the individual service chiefs to implement the upgrade, at a total cost of roughly $280 billion. Air Force officials confirmed they would be upgrading to Mozilla Firefox instead at an added cost of $3 trillion, while Army and Navy has confirmed its intention to go with Internet Explorer 4. “Apparently we’re getting this web browser called DOS as a hand-me-down from the Army,” said Marine Commandant Gen. James Amos. “God I should’ve joined the fucking Air Force.” The change hasn’t been without its critics, which include some in senior leadership positions who once took a two-week class on how to check their email in 2001. “I’ll tell you what, this is total bullshit,” said Army Command Sgt. Maj. Leon Johnston. “Just when you think you figure everything out, they gotta go and change all my whizbangs and gizmos.” Senior Pentagon officials confirmed the steep price of the upgrade, but assured reporters that they had actually saved $400 billion by just pirating 2 million copies. Deanna Opava Rosario says: February 25, 2014 at 11:39 PM It’s about danged time. Peter Colsch says: February 25, 2014 at 11:39 PM I work at a Program Management Office, planning and scheduling Programs. I’m still using Project 2007. Requests for project 2013, or even 2010, which integrate with Sharepoint continue to be pushed up the chain, where we have telecoms with the CIO and other leadership. 2 years later I’m still in a “Project Management Office” using 7 year-old project management software. Joe Schmalzel says: February 25, 2014 at 11:39 PM Still better than Google+ Mike Guilmette says: February 25, 2014 at 11:39 PM I gotta admit, I thought the link about the software theft at the end of the article was another parody . . . Eric Mathewson says: February 25, 2014 at 11:39 PM Great, just great. What time does the emails go out now? Also, does anybody need to sign for them when they are delivered? Jamie Hamill says: February 25, 2014 at 11:39 PM This is funny because it is true. We are still rocking IE7 at the command I’m at. Keefy Andrew Steadham says: February 25, 2014 at 11:39 PM The only thing Internet Explorer is good for: downloading a better web browser… Joe Bunda says: February 25, 2014 at 11:39 PM “The change hasn’t been without its critics, which include some in senior leadership positions who once took a two-week class on how to check their email in 2001.” How true. Back in 2003, was working conducting and exercise with a recently retired 4 star senior mentor. Guy came out of his office the first day and needed to know how to reply to an email. Was the first time he had had to do email on his own. Asked me to write down exactly what he had to click to compose, forward and reply to messages. Totally helpless. John Sehler says: February 25, 2014 at 11:39 PM Shit! Now I gotta come up with another Password.