PORTLAND, OR — Earlier today, local Army veteran Thomas Swanson made the mental decision to pick up running again, but not today. He will likely begin next Thursday morning, or maybe Saturday, depending on how early he wakes up.
“I’ve really gotten out of shape, man,” said Swanson, a former paratrooper who used to sometimes run six miles a day.
Swanson, a now-275 lb overweight man proud to be a former member of the 82nd Airborne who once had washboard abs, spoke with reporters from his mother’s basement while surrounded by exercise equipment only used by physically-fit spiders.
“I mean, I constantly tell people how I used to be able to do this many push ups or that many sit-ups,” he said, while shoving spoonfuls of caramel ice cream into his mouth.
Swanson spent four years on active-duty where he routinely performed physical training up to five times a week. At peak fitness, he was capable of running two miles in 11 minutes and 23 seconds, doing 106 push-ups in two minutes, and 84 sit-ups.
Now, he walks approximately 45 extra steps at work in order to take the elevator rather than ride the escalator.
“He really let himself go,” said Kimberly Brookings, Swanson’s long-time girlfriend. “When I met him, he had just gotten out of the Army. Sure, he wasn’t ripped or anything, but he was generally a fit guy.”
Sources confirm that Swanson recently purchased a new pair of running shoes from the local mall. During the trip, Swanson consumed two funnel cakes, a medium chocolate smoothie, and a large Dr. Pepper.
At press time, Swanson told reporters he was “super-motivated” in the New Year, and would probably do a couple of squats tomorrow, or maybe even a sprint to the local Chili’s for lunch.