The Colonel May Not See It, But I Know You’re A Total Shitbag

sergeant major lieutenant

The following is an opinion article written by the challenge coin of Col. Nathan Smith.

Oh well look at that. Isn’t that nice. My boss just passed me off to you since you did such a good job during that field exercise a couple weeks ago. “Specialist Andrews performed with steadfast excellence and took on additional responsibilities beyond his billet,” the colonel told you before handing me over.

Yeah right. I know and you know the truth: You’re a total shitbag. Don’t even try to display me in your barracks room, I swear.

Sure, you did pretty well during the exercise but the colonel didn’t see you when you were drinking underage in the barracks a couple months ago, did he? Or how about when you got wasted and beat up Private First Class Michaels over there?

“Hey man, be a good battle and don’t tell anyone, ok?,” you told him the next day, after realizing he would likely go to your squad leader.

So he was a good battle, alright. Didn’t tell a soul. That doesn’t mean others don’t know the truth.

I KNOW.

Personally, I don’t know how the hell you got handed a goddamn colonel’s challenge coin. By my calculation, the best you rate is a coin from one of those hookers on Gilman Street, especially since you are patronizing at least one of them during the week.

Yeah, I know about that too.

Bet you thought I wouldn’t remember the time you placed one of my buddies in your wallet right beside that Trojan XXL condom. XXL my ass. By the sounds of it, 1st Sgt. Daniels’ daughter didn’t seem to think highly of your self-described “Heavy Artillery.”

By the way, due to the first sergeant’s cunning ways, the nice serrated edge he designed the coin with put a nice little hole in that rubber. Looks like you just tainted his bloodline.


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