Budget Cuts To Bring Military Spending Down To Pre-Civil War Levels G-Had February 26, 2014 The Pentagon 14 Comments THE PENTAGON — Defense Secretary Chuck Hagel proposed deep and far-reaching cuts across the military on Monday, vowing to bring spending down to pre-Civil War levels, sources confirmed. “There are some who would criticize a move towards bringing our military spending down to levels seen in the 1860s,” said Hagel. “But these people don’t understand the evolving nature of warfare.” While the cuts would hit naval personnel hardest — with a reduction in the overall number of commodores in the service and the suspension of its plan to send gunboats to open up Japan to trade — the Army is also facing the end of its “two tribes” policy of having enough regiments mustered to fend off multiple Indian raids. In a press briefing, Hagel also explained the need to make drastic cuts to equipment and personnel, but vowed to maintain important research and development funds for projects such as a regiment that can man two skirmisher lines at once and a ship of the line made of iron that runs on “steam power.” However, plenty of programs will face the surgeon’s hacksaw. “The first thing we need to get rid of is the 32-pounder cannon,” said Hagel. “You need several extra horses to draw it and the reinforced caisson can only travel on the sturdiest dirt roads.” He added that the Air Force would also see a reduction to “tested and sustainable technology levels,” such as hydrogen-powered dirigibles whose safety record rivals today’s Ospreys. Hagel refused to comment if the Army would still receive funding for its controversial all-negro units. Paul contributed a headline and emotional support for this report. Scott Kelly says: April 3, 2014 at 3:54 PM I got me one of those new Henry Repeating guns, but Pa says I can only have enough bullets to shoot dinner. Josh Noble says: April 3, 2014 at 3:54 PM No gunboats to Japan? I was really looking forward to procuring myself an exotic geisha woman. Bill Shafley II says: April 3, 2014 at 3:54 PM We need to get rid of Obambo and that whole crew…then shit like this will probably not happen….I’ll bet there is still money in the budget for “snail darter” research, though! Kelley Wright says: April 3, 2014 at 3:54 PM And Im out here with the Hekawis… Frank Grochowski says: April 3, 2014 at 3:54 PM No the flag ranks would NOT be trimmed. But I would like to see O7 or 8′s swab the deck or police the area. Michelle Dawn Lotz-Lynch says: April 3, 2014 at 3:54 PM Lol…Ospreys….I’d take being shot out of a canon first. Patrick B Gawne says: April 3, 2014 at 3:54 PM The good news is that the QM corps has received 12,000 pair of Converse All-Star factory seconds and irregulars, so footwear should not be a problem in the foreseeable future, provided all new recruits wear size 14 right/ size 12 left. Dan Widge says: April 3, 2014 at 3:54 PM IF this wasn’t so sad…. the Feds do this after every war…in this case, they haven’t even waited until we’re fully out of a war before they start gutting. Then when the next crisis happens, they’ll have to struggle to get enough troops…and like sending troops to Iraq with crap for equipment….they’ll do it again. John Sehler says: April 3, 2014 at 3:54 PM Hell I’m fuckin rifleman in the 16 infantry and I just got Issued a 45 caliber sling shot with a scope on it. David Novak says: April 3, 2014 at 3:54 PM Salt pork and coffee rations will be cut in half. John McAllister says: April 3, 2014 at 3:54 PM As long as they bring back the daily whiskey ration!! Mark Daniels says: April 3, 2014 at 3:54 PM And not one more penny for that unproven “repeating rifle” technology!