BATTALION HQ — The Battalion Sergeant Major completely lost it on a number of inanimate objects this morning, in a rampage stemming from problems that began with his desktop computer, sources confirmed.
Marines were seen fleeing the command deck as the sergeant major took a fire axe to every electronic device in the office.
Witnesses reported hearing him scream expletives about belligerent printers and an inability to log on to any web site related to the Marine Corps.
“Sonofabitch, I said print,” screamed Sgt. Maj. William Baker. “When I hit ‘print’ that means you fucking print shit I wanted printed!” Sheets of paper and keyboard keys filled the air as the sergeant major’s onslaught intensified.
“No, I don’t want to ‘save’ shit. I want to ‘print’ shit. That’s why I hit fucking ‘print!’ Damned useless, communist, hippie technology! It’s a conspiracy! This shit must have been invented by a Democrat. No wonder we’re losing the fucking war!”
Soon after, the crazed man’s monitor was thrown through the office window and into the parking lot. There it embedded into the communications officer’s windshield.
“Let’s see if his data Marines can tear themselves away from World of Douche-craft long enough to fix that,” he continued to shout through the fractured glass. “Fuck him, nobody likes Comm O’s anyway.”
“Motherfuckin’ DTS, MOL, 3270, eMarine, MarineNet, online PHAs, all bullshit! I can’t ever log on to any of that trash anyway. Oh, it’s ten days until my password expires? Would I like to change it now? No asshole, how about I do it in ten days when it actually expires? My MOL account still has leave requests I can’t close out from when I was a company gunny. I can’t get anything done on MOL because the page times out every time I use it. I can’t send e-mail because my mailbox is always over its precious size limit. I’ve got something in my shorts that’ll exceed your size limit!”
After destroying the computer, he smashed the nearby telephone, shattering it in a single blow. “That sonofabitch is nothing but a source of bad news anyway,” said Baker. “Hell, it’s still got the message greeting from three years ago because no one can figure out how the change it!”
He was soon restrained and taken to a nearby medical facility where the unit Force Preservation Council pronounced him as a Risk Assessment Code of 1. As the ambulance pulled away, Baker could still be heard screaming, “The fucking Taliban doesn’t have Outlook! They don’t have Outlook!”