WASHINGTON – According to sources, that sputtering relic from Basement Level 2B in the Pentagon has been completely beside himself this week, ever since the crisis in Ukraine and the subsequent Russian occupation of Crimea reminded leaders that Russia has a military and that the United States apparently employs people to know about it.
“This might just be the most electric moment in Russian military history since old Gromov resigned in protest of the Chechen invasion of ’94,” gushed the pathetic bastard, whose name, colleagues say, is Gerry or maybe Tom.
“In fact, I have the point paper to demonstrate the broad geopolitical implications of Putin’s brazen grab for power,” he added excitedly, to no one in particular.
The man, clearly delusional that developments in Ukraine spell a permanent return to relevance for Russia and the post-Soviet states on the global scene, has reportedly worked as an analyst in the Russia plans and strategy division since 1991. Two and half decades of utter insignificance later, the daydream believer says he always knew his moment to shine would come.
“Oh my, I have a brief to the general in an hour,” the man exclaimed, shuffling through papers and blathering on like he was talking about China or some shit. “This is just how I imagine the eighties, back before we lost our way in that miserable Middle East!”
Convinced the coming months will somehow see a ramping up of militaries or at least escalating tensions resulting in an impossibly elaborate spy game played out on an international scale, the man who boards the Orange Line from West Falls Church every morning says he’s ready to give whatever it takes to see this thing through.
“To tell the truth, I predicted exactly this scenario coming to pass at a war-gaming conference back in 2003,” he indulged, adding that he might just treat himself to an extra pudding in the cafeteria today.
At press time, the old bag had just gone right ahead and briefed the general, shameless in his Redskins tie and mustard-yellow short sleeves. He might have been stopped, but everyone around honestly thought he was the pay-stubs guy and had no idea where he was going with that folder.
“Was that motherfucker saying something about submarines?” the general laughed later.
Can you help us? We aren't some gigantic media corporation. Duffel Blog is literally just one guy editing a bunch of articles written by military contributors — all on a shoestring budget. If you love what we do, please donate a few bucks to keep our doors open. Even the smallest amount is a big help.