FAYETTEVILLE — A new study released by the Consumer Reporting Agency has found that military police officers purchase the vast majority of the world’s Truck Nutz, steroids, and penis enlargement pills.
The study concluded the average military police officer buys three pairs of Truck Nutz, with most attaching one pair to their truck, one to their patrol car, and one above their desk. The study found this was the most efficient way to ensure they have balls in their face at all times.
Employees at the Truck Nutz headquarters in Long Island were overjoyed by the news. “We are proud to provide our soldiers with the world’s finest rubber testicles,” Truck Nutz CEO Richard Wagner said. “By their request we are developing Dog Nutz, a set of balls for their working dogs. We are also working on a set of Nutz that will pour Jager bombs.”
Col. John Otter, a provost marshal who demands to be referred to as “Dominator,” agreed to an interview with Duffel Blog while taking a break from polishing his Smith and Wesson 500 and reading the latest Maxim. One of his junior officers was plastering his office with ‘Military Police-Security With an Attitude!’ posters.
“It’s not surprising we have the most Nutz,” he said, “Everyone knows we’re the coolest and toughest dudes bro. If you’re not like Jack Reacher you’re not going to be able to survive on these streets. Respected by some, feared by all. That’s how we are.”
‘Dominator’ rolled up his sleeves, revealing several tattoos of topless women. He then ended the interview to wander around the Commissary and tell military dependents their clothing was inappropriate.