REGIMENTAL S-1 — Corporal Ronald Fontenot recently checked in from Recon Battalion and everyone he works with in the Admin shop could care less, sources revealed today.
After his arrival at his new unit sporting silver jump wings, he immediately lamented that there were no jump billets at Regiment. He then remarked how much he missed the “grunt life.” Admin Marines began to tune him out as he rambled on about participating in various high speed, low drag events at his old battalion.
Having heard enough, one of his fellow Marines asked about his real world operational experience as evidenced by his “stack.” This consisted of a National Defense Medal, Good Conduct Medal, and a Sea Service Deployment ribbon. Fontenot responded with some nonsense about how he got screwed out of some awards he rated.
Every female Marine on base has endured Fontenot’s story about how he crushed the Recon screening. According to him, he qualified for Basic Reconnaissance Course but was unfortunately injured during zodiac boat training and had to accept orders back to the “POGs.” He boasted to the ladies about his pre-injury prowess despite the fact he’s as physically impressive as a greasy bag of donuts.
“I swear,” said Lance Cpl. Christina Moreno. “If he begins one more sentence with: ‘When I was at Recon … ‘ I’m going to kick him in the balls.”
It’s been further reported Marines in the Admin shop at Recon battalion pretty much regarded Cpl Fontenot as a sea anchor. Actual Reconnaissance Marines can’t even remember his name.
“That admin guy?” asked the Recon Battalion Jump Master. “He’s nothing but a five jump chump.”
“Sure he did some helo casts and zodiac runs,” said Fontenot’s old Admin Chief. “We let him go on those hook ups because he was useless in the office. The only reason we sent him to Jump School was to keep him out of the S-1 long enough to fix everyone’s pay entitlements.”
Judging by his cutting score, Fontenot will be promoted to sergeant soon and will submit for orders as a Drill Instructor.
“At least then maybe someone will believe his bullshit stories,” said Moreno.