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Solution To PTSD, Suicide Crisis Only Couple Thousand Facebook Likes Away

WASHINGTON — The Department of Veterans Affairs revealed the solution to the crisis of veteran suicide and post-traumatic stress is only “a couple thousand Facebook Likes away,” according to an official statement released today.

The Facebook “Like,” a tool that instantaneously conveys heartfelt appreciation, unyielding support and zealous fervor for distant and unheard-of causes, has revolutionized the bandwagon movement and proven instrumental in combating post-traumatic stress disorder, or PTSD.

“The Facebook Like has virtually eliminated the need for physical and mental rehabilitation clinics, transition assistance programs, basic fellowship, and the loving embrace once provided by families,” said VA spokesperson Clyde Davies. “At the rate we’re going, PTSD will be cured by tomorrow.”

The alarming number of suicides stemming from untreated cases of PTSD has garnered significant media attention within the past few years, pulling into question the adequacy of treatment provided to afflicted veterans. Fortunately, the sympathy of flag-waving Americans on the Internet has had a palpable impact on tormented service members worldwide.

“All I really hoped for was a job, or something I could contribute towards to at least give me a sense of purpose,” said Greg Delhenney, a veteran of Fallujah and triple-amputee who suffers from severe post-traumatic stress and missing limb disorder. “I can’t even begin to describe how great it felt to know that fifteen complete strangers cared about me on Facebook. It gave me the strength I needed to press on.”

Saying that one patriotic American “literally saved his life” by going above and beyond by “sharing” his status update, Delhenney said that due to Facebook, he never hesitates to share how he feels.

“I certainly wouldn’t hesitate to vent my pent-up frustrations and the survivor’s guilt I relive every waking moment of my heretofore wretched existence, or share the vividly horrific nightmares that plague the sleepless fits of despair I succumb to every night,” he added. “These people get me.”

Karey Jameson, a high school sophomore in the affluent neighborhood of Irvine, Calif., has been a staunch proponent of PTSD advocacy since last Tuesday.

eric shinseki beret“It’s like, so wrong, how like, we ignore and mistreat people with PTSD. Like, corporate greed is like, totally responsible for how like, subdued the PTSD crisis really is,” Jameson sputtered. “[Joseph] Kony needs to be stopped!”

“Our popularity on social media couldn’t come at a better time,” said VA Secretary Eric Shinseki, proudly wearing a Facebook-blue beret outfitted with a thumbs-up badge. “With all these looming budget cuts, we can conquer PTSD with the greatest resource of all — the guilty human heart — and instead use our $150 billion budget to ensure our veterans get the benefits they deserve.”

At press time, Jameson had posted a picture to Facebook of her new tattoo, a yellow ribbon with the caption, “Save Darfur,” on the small of her back. Delhenney is reportedly still 1,000 likes shy of earning a date with Taylor Swift.

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[…] “We here in the Department of Defense are in awe of Mr. Kuntzman’s martial prowess and noble sacrifice to this nation,” said Lt. Col. Patricia Green, a Pentagon spokesperson. “Shooting an AR-15 is exactly the same as being in combat, as evidenced by Mr. Kuntzman’s self-diagnosed PTSD.” […]


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