FORT HOOD — A soldier soon to be leaving the Army after his return from Afghanistan is desperate to remain inside the warm safety and security of the Army’s vagina, sources confirmed Monday.
Specialist Andrew Rigbe, an active-duty soldier and intelligence analyst for six years known for his off-the-wall PowerPoint presentations, expressed abject terror and anxiety at his pending separation from the U.S. Army. “I’m scared, plain and simple,” Rigbe told reporters. “I’ll see the vagina one weekend a month from now until my retirement, but it won’t be the same.”
Friends were not surprised at Rigbe’s anxiety, given his need to forever remain wrapped within the Army’s moist wetness indefinitely.
“He’s about to have his umbilical cord cut and it’s just sad to watch him squirm like that,” said Sgt. Steven Ferris, a close friend and Rigbe’s squad leader. “I mean it’s not so bad, getting out.”
“It’s not that we don’t adore the warmth of the womb,” Ferris explained of the soldier who will soon have to figure out how to get a job and overcome his fear of talking to civilians. “It’s simply that there’s more out there. I can see a light at the end of the tunnel.”
While some lamented his fear, others were more understanding of the soldier’s dependency.
“I don’t want a civilian job!” said Rigbe’s officer-in-charge, Maj. Enrique Hernandes. “We got cut short in the mission in Afghanistan. Since Rigbe’s time is up and due to needs of the Army, well … let’s just say it’s his time to head down the birth canal. I know he seems like the exception, but he’s not the only one who’s afraid of the outside world. I know I am.”
At press time, Rigbe was seen searching through USAJobs.gov for anything that would allow him to remain suckling at the federal teet.